Personal space

A few years ago I signed up to participate in market research through a local company.  I was lured by the possibility of free diapers or free toys for the kids.  It seemed like it might be interesting a fun and some studies even paid decent money.  

As it turns out, I didn't qualify for most studies due to the fact that my husband works for a local appliance manufacturer and most studies seemed to revolve around me showing how I might use household appliances.  My daughter was invited to participate in one study where she gave her opinion about toys and toy advertisements (and ended up begging for half the toys she saw advertised!).  As a reward, she was given a $20 Polly Pocket toy that mounted to the wall.  She was thrilled.  I was not.

I hadn't heard much more from the market research people until recently when I received a screening survey.  This one didn't mention appliances and only asked about the personal hygiene products I use- deodorant, lotions, moisturizer, shampoos.  A couple of days after filling out the survey, I got a call telling me that I'd qualified for the study if I was interested in participating.  I was told that it would involve me filling out 3 surveys on the computer over the course of 3 days.  Then, the researchers would like to come to my house to see "where you store your personal care products."  I was told that they would take pictures of my bathroom cabinets (I secretly thanked the Kon Mari method for helping me organize and reduce the clutter in there a few weeks ago) and then follow me to the store to see how I shop for deodorant.

I suspected watching me at the store with 2 kids running crazy and trying to sneak M&Ms into the cart while I frantically grabbed the first deodorant that looked vaguely familiar was probably not what they had in mind.  I found childcare for the kids and agreed to do this.  The promise of $225 for completing this study and not having to go to the facility for a long and boring focus group were good incentives.

The thought of researchers viewing my bathroom, photographing my cabinets and linen closet and the watching me shop for deodorant was a bit disconcerting, though.  Even my closest friends haven't seen the inside of my bathroom cabinets.  Having conducted market research myself in the past, however, I felt assured that all data collected would be anonymous and they really weren't there to critique my housekeeping skills.

I logged on to their website and got my first survey.  It asked me to take a selfie.  Huh?  I did as requested and snapped a picture of myself as I was at that moment- sans makeup and wearing sweats.  Who really wants to see this?  Then, it said I should describe what they would see in that photo.  This just gets weirder and weirder.  I tried to justify my unkempt appearance explaining that this was a day when I wasn't planning on going out of the house or seeing anyone besides my kids and husband (I don't put on makeup just for my husband- a 1950s housewife I am not).  Then, I had to photograph all of the places in my home/bathroom where I keep personal care products I use when getting ready for the day- my shower, cabinets, drawers, etc.  I wondered why the researchers felt the need to come to my home if I was going to send them all of these pictures anyway.

The next activity was a journal activity.  I was to take pictures and "at least 1 video per day" of my life and then write about what I was doing and feeling at the time.  If it was a stressful experience, I was to tell what I did or what I usually do to deal with the stress.  I don't think "have a glass of Chardonnay" was what they had in mind.  How was this related to deodorant?  Was this for real?

I dutifully complied with the instructions and took a few photos of my kids, my dogs behaving badly, etc.  I wrote about how I took deep breaths and tried to think positive thoughts to calm myself during times of stress.  I realized that my life isn't really that stressful and most of the stress I experience is related to my children not wanting to do the fun educational activities I have planned for them.  I realized that, in times of stress, my first thought is rarely to reach for my phone and take a video.  I also wondered who was going to watch these videos and look at these photos and I wondered how bored they'd be.  Giving them access to my Facebook account might have been easier and just as interesting for them.

I reflected on what they might do with all of these photos and videos of my children and my dogs.  I started to expect Stanley Milgram to pop up and point out my blind compliance to those in a a position of authority.  I'm still not entirely sure that this isn't a social psychology study about our willingness to comply with those in authority when they ask us to do strange things.  I'm pretty sure the market research company doesn't do studies like that and I'm pretty sure that would have required an informed consent, however.

The researchers are coming to my house on Tuesday to complete the study.  This should be interesting.

Screen Time

One thing I've noticed about homeschooling is that is brings my parenting abilities into sharp focus.  I feel like everything I do as a parent is magnified because it is no longer diluted by their time with other adult teachers.  This can be a good thing, but, I fear, is also sometimes a bad thing.  I am not a perfect parent.  I secretly suspect no one is.  

Since I've started homeschooling, I find that I agonize over my parenting decisions much more than I did before.  This may make me a better parent, but I think it often paralyzes me with indecision.  Or, worse, I vacillate from one position to another and my children end up confused.  

Screen time and how/when we limit screen time has been one such parenting decision that has caused me a lot of angst.  Before, when the kids were in school, this was not a big problem.  Most days they weren't even home until after 3PM.  Often they had activities and homework in the evenings that kept them off screens.  It was pretty easy to set limits.  Honestly, I didn't really  have to impose limits because other activities automatically limited time they could spend on screens.  

Now that we are homeschooling, the kids are home most of the day many days of the week.   We do have activities and we try to take frequent field trips, but there is a lot more at-home time than there was before.  School work can be accomplished much faster when you aren't trying to teach 25+ students and don't have to stop to take everyone to the bathroom, etc.  Most days we're finished with school work by 1:00 at the latest.  This leaves long stretches of "free time" that my children often choose to fill by playing with iPads or video games.  

I waver back and forth in how I feel about this.  Maybe writing all this down will help me to sort through it!

Cons of screen time:
Conventional wisdom says that too much screen time is a bad thing.  Even my pediatrician asked at the kids' checkups if we limit screen time.  One big concern is that, if children are sitting in front of screens, they are not exercising, playing creatively, socializing with friends, talking with parents, etc.  Basically, the opportunity cost of screen time is that they are missing out on many other beneficial activities.  

Too much of anything is a bad thing in my opinion.   A few days ago, I introduced my daughter to Prodigy Game, an online math game that I was hoping would encourage her to practice math.  She became obsessed with it and played it for 5 hours straight the first day and about 3-4 hours the second day.  While I was glad she was practicing math and having fun doing it, I started to worry that she was neglecting other subjects.  

My biggest concern with screen time is that I think children learn best if they are allowed to be curious about the world around them and can then work with an adult to find answers to their questions.  Boredom leads to creativity and curiosity.  Always turning to a screen when one is bored never allows that boredom to set in and lead to creativity or curiosity.  A few days ago when I told my 5 year old son that screen time was over, he told me everything else in the world is boring.  That concerns me greatly.  Five is far too young to jaded.  

Pros of screen time:
This is what makes it difficult for me to feel 100% confident in setting limits on screen time.  I think there are many positives to screen time and many things kids learn from screen time.  

First off, not all screen time is created equal.  Passively watching a completely mindless TV show is much worse than playing a video game even if the game isn't educational.  At least a child's brain is engaged when playing a video game.  Also, watching educational TV shows or documentaries is a worthwhile pursuit while watching Spongebob Squarepants is probably not as worthwhile.  Even some of the non-educational shows at least use a wide vocabulary.  I've even used Pokemon to point out Latin and Greek roots of words that are used in the names of some of the Pokemon!  

Kids can learn many things from iPad and video games.  Some games are overtly educational and, of course, kids can learn math, science, reading, and spelling from those games.  Why not make learning as fun as possible?  My daughter had to practice math problems on IXL online last year for her Catholic school homework.  She hated it and it was like pulling teeth to get her to do it.  Just because it was online, that didn't hide the fact that it was basically a bunch of boring worksheets.  Since we discovered Prodigy Game for math last week, though, she has willingly completed 456 math problems in 3 days and I had to convince her to stop playing to eat and go to bed!  

Even games that are not strictly educational can teach many things, though.  My son has learned how to figure out new games very quickly.  He can often pick up a new game and start playing before I have even figured out the object of the game.  This skill will certainly transfer to other activities in life such as being able to figure out how to use new devices, electronics, or computers.  Both kids have learned perseverance.   Even when games get difficult, they keep trying to reach the next level or conquer the bad guy.  Many games have taught them math skills because they have to keep track of how many coins they've earned or used and calculate if they have enough to buy various tools in the game.  I think Minecraft is a wonderful educational tool.  It is like electronic Lego toys.  Lego without the mess!  My daughter recently started taking a class through  GamED Academy where they use Minecraft in the assignments.  She learns about a topic by watching videos and then the assignments require her to build things in Minecraft related to what she learned.  She loves it and it is a great way to reinforce what she's learning and check for comprehension.  

Video games can also improve hand-eye coordination and quick thinking ability and can have other benefits.  Recent studies have found that gaming has many benefits including stress relief and a reduction in players' tendency to bully others.  A 2009 study even found that certain video games can actually reduce impulsiveness (Dye, Green, & Bavelier).

There is one other benefit to screen time- one that makes me, and most parents, feel guilty.  Screens can be wonderful babysitters.  On days when I need to get something done around the house, make some phone calls, or just need a break, screens are awfully useful.  I really don't think we, as parents, should feel too guilty about this if it isn't happening all the time.  My kids are with me almost 24/7.  We do school stuff together most of the day, but come 3 or 4 (or sometimes a bit earlier) I would like a chance to relax and gather my thoughts for a bit.  I often give them permission to pull out the iPads and play for a while then.  It's definitely a benefit for MY mental health!  

So, there you have it.  The good and the bad of screens.  I don't think we need to vilify them.  There are many advantages to screen time.  Like most things, I think moderation is the key.  I'm implementing a rule where the kids are not allowed to use iPads for "mindless" games until after 3:00 and only then if they've done the following:  

1. completed all school work 
2. done something creative for at least 45 minutes 
3. exercised in some way for at least 30 minutes 
4. read (or been read to) for at least 30 minutes.  

The same rules apply to television except I might allow one mindless show in the morning before we start school, while we're all still waking up.  This seems like a happy medium. 

Until the Nursing Home Do Us Part

My parents are in their 80s and I recently had to move my father into a skilled nursing facility and my mother into the adjoining assisted living facility.  This was difficult for them and for me.  They have been married for almost 45 years and have never lived apart and rarely slept apart in those 45 years.  They have also come to depend on each other for many things- Mom dials the phone for Dad, Dad reminds Mom of things that she forgets, etc.  It breaks my heart that they have to be separated and can't stay in the same room.

Unfortunately, the current state of our senior care system requires my parents to live apart.  Because my father is no longer able to walk and requires someone to lift him into and out of his wheelchair, his care needs are too high for assisted living.  My mother, on the other hand, only needs assistance with remembering her medication and she likes to have someone stand by when she showers because she fears falling.  These minimal care needs do not qualify her to live in skilled nursing care.  They have long-term care insurance that covers a large portion of their expenses and it would not pay for mom to live in a level of care higher than what she needs.  Even if we were able to pay out of pocket for her to live in skilled care with Dad, she would not be allowed to live in the same room because she would not be Medicare qualified for that room and both residents must qualify!  If you're confused by this, you're starting to sense our frustration.

It seems like this system is based on antiquated views of the elderly from a time when most men died before entering nursing homes and most nursing home residents were widows.  Now that men are living much longer and many couples are aging together and entering long-term care together, I foresee that this will be a problem for more and more people.  One facility even told me they only have two rooms where couples can live together and they have a waiting list for those rooms.

We chose a facility for Mom and Dad where they had both assisted living and skilled nursing in the same building so that my parents could spend most of their days together.  Mom and Dad are both blind (This is not new, though.  See my last post for details on that.) so Mom needed someone to take her over to visit Dad.  The facility assured us that it would be no problem for them to walk Mom over to visit Dad each day.  I assumed they would only have to sleep apart and, while my parents were not happy about even that separation, it was good that they could still be together most of the day.  Unfortunately, I didn't realize that yet more regulations would conspire to make this difficult.

Soon after they moved in, we found out that Dad is not allowed to visit Mom or share meals with her on the assisted living side.  To be, even as a visitor, on the assisted living side, you must be able to "self-evacuate" from the building.  Because Dad is both blind and in a wheelchair, he cannot do that.  Because Mom is blind, she can't help him evacuate so she can't be considered his escort when he's on her side.

So, Mom started visiting Dad on his side each day.  Usually, the staff from her side would take her over around 10AM and she'd stay until about 8PM when they took her back to her room.  It wasn't ideal, but Mom and Dad adjusted and were pretty happy with the arrangement.  Of course, it seems things are rarely easy with senior care.

The next issue we faced was the staff's complaint that Mom occasionally asked for help when she was visiting on Dad's side.   Even though the skilled care and assisted living are part of the same parent company and even though they are in different halls of the same building, they are still considered to be separate facilities.  They each have their own staff and Dad's staff can't/won't do anything for Mom and Mom's staff can't/won't do anything for Dad.  Mom is considered a visitor when she's on Dad's side rather than a resident of the same facility.  Mom and Dad denied that Mom ever asked for help for herself on Dad's side, but the staff insisted otherwise.

Then one afternoon I got a call saying that Mom had fallen in Dad's bathroom.  A nurse had come to give Dad medication and she had left an open glass of water sitting on Dad's nightstand.  Mom was concerned that Dad would spill the water, so she took it upon herself to take it to the sink and throw it out.  Because she had a glass of water in one hand, she couldn't feel her way to the sink as well as usual and she tripped over the lip of Dad's shower.  After that, they started restricting Mom's visits.  They told her they needed to observe her for 72 hours, but she said their "observation" consisted of her being stuck alone in her room most of the day.  After a few days, they started taking her over to visit for longer periods of time, but they still weren't letting her stay all day as she had been doing.  They never called me to discuss this change.

My husband and I then asked for a joint meeting between us and the staff from both the skilled care and the assisted living sides.  We had unresolved billing issues and also wanted to discuss a better plan for Mom to visit Dad.  In the course of this meeting,  the social worker from the skilled side insisted that Mom could no longer visit Dad without a "sitter."  She said Mom could not even go to meals with Dad without a "sitter" present in case she had to be taken to the bathroom.  This new requirement/restriction was a huge surprise to us and a huge blow to my parents.  Caregivers are not inexpensive, so my parents now had to make a financial decision and trade-off.  They are hesitant to spend a lot of money because they have a fixed income and don't want to run out of funds.  Yet, now they had to determine how much money they could spend to be allowed to spend time together.  For a couple who has been married almost 45 years, this was very difficult.

I was, and still am, appalled by the situation in which my parents find themselves.  I am working now to find a different facility that will be more accommodating in allowing them to spend time together.  I am saddened by the lack of empathy shown by the staff, especially the social worker whose job is to advocate for the well-being of the residents.

I think much of this comes down to larger problems in our long-term care system.  There are really no facilities where spouses with differing care needs can continue to share a room.  There are very few facilities where they can even be in the same building.  There are only a few levels of long term care available:

• Independent living-  this is really no care at all but usually involves living in an apartment or patio home that is near a facility where they may go for meals or socializing and activities.  
• Assisted living- this involves some assistance such as medication reminders, bathing assistance, or escorts to and from the bathroom.  At this level residents usually live in their own rooms or apartments in a larger facility and meals are provided in a communal dining room.  The facility also provides activities for the residents.  
• Personal Care- this is very similar to assisted living, but there are nurses on staff and on duty at all times.  They are licensed to administer medication to residents.  At this level of care, they can also handle things such as wound care, diabetic blood testing, and that sort of thing.  Residents must be able to self-evacuate from a building in case of emergency at this level.  They also must be able to transfer (to and from a wheelchair) with only a one person assist.  
• Skilled Nursing Care- this is the highest level of care. 

Also, much of the staff at many facilities, even the management-level staff, dehumanizes and infantilizes the elderly.  They don't seem to respect them as human beings who have something to offer and who have a lifetime of wisdom.  In the conference we had to discuss my parents' care, the social worker talked about "toileting" them on a schedule.  It sounded like something you'd do with a dog you were housebreaking, not a human being.  My father also recently complained that he'd called a staff member in to take him to the restroom, but he was told that they couldn't take him because it was shift change.  Because of their refusal to take him to the restroom, he had an accident.  No one should be treated that way.

In case you're wondering.  I am in the process of finding a new facility for my parents.  I would love to get them out of there immediately, but I need to find another place that has two openings.  I also need to make sure that whatever new facility I choose will be better than this one.  I'd hate to move them again only to run into problems and have to move them yet again.  Each move is difficult and involves many adjustments- getting to know new staff and procedures as well as, for my mom, learning her way around new surroundings.  I am just hoping and praying that the next facility will be a pleasant and compassionate place where my parents can enjoy living.