Children have the same human rights as adults. This seems obvious, doesn’t it? Yet, we don’t treat them that way. In many ways, we treat children as
slaves. We may not demand that they do
work for us, but much of what we do has the same effect on their lives. We tell them when to go to bed at night, we
tell them they have to attend school whether they want to or not, we tell them they
have to do homework that may be boring and not beneficial to them, we control
the activities in which they participate often with little input from
them. We do all of this because we
believe that we know best because we are adults.
In some cases, adults may have more wisdom or knowledge of
the world because they have more of the experience that comes with age. But in many cases, children know what they
need. They may need more leisure time,
more time engaged in games involving strategy, more time playing games that allow
them to release their feelings of anger or frustration, or just more freedom. Even in the cases when adults do have more
wisdom and experience and can see that the child needs to engage in different
activities, simply forcing them to do something with no explanation or buy-in
from the child is counter-productive.
Let’s take an example…
Your son doesn’t want to brush his teeth. He doesn’t enjoy it and he’d rather read a
book and go to sleep. You have knowledge
and experience that he lacks. You know
that if he doesn’t brush his teeth, he is likely to get cavities and have to
get fillings. You could force him to
brush his teeth by yelling, threatening to take away privileges, or even physically
carrying him to the bathroom and brushing them yourself. What does this teach him? It teaches him that the way to get people to
do something is through power and coercion.
It teaches him that consent is not necessary to force someone else to do
something with their own body. Would you
want him to treat you that way someday when you are old and requiring
care? An alternative would be to calmly
sit him down and explain that it is his choice whether he brushes his teeth or
not, but if he chooses not to, it will probably cause cavities and he’ll have
to endure unpleasant fillings or even have teeth pulled. If he continues to refuse, let it go. Not brushing teeth for one night will not be
a disaster. If he starts refusing
regularly, you might want to get a book that talks about plaque, mouth bacteria,
and cavities or take him to talk to a dentist.
What will this teach him? You’ll
teach him that he is in charge of his body- no one should be able to force him
to do things with his body that he does not want to do. You will teach him good reasons for brushing
his teeth so the next time he doesn’t really feel like brushing them, he’ll
think of those reasons and do it anyway.
You will teach him that you respect him and care about his learning. Which is the better approach?
Giving children freedom doesn’t mean neglecting them or
being permissive. You don’t just shrug
and say, “do whatever you want.” You
allow them to control their time and what they do, but if you see that they are out of balance
or that they are neglecting something you know will be beneficial to them, you
talk to them about it and encourage them to re-balance their time. You do this in the same way you’d say
something to your spouse if you saw that they were playing too many video games
or not doing their share of the housework.
I wonder if one reason parents have so many problems with
teens is that we suddenly expect them to start behaving responsibly when we
really haven’t been giving them opportunities to learn that skill up to that
point. Another problem may be that we haven't taught our teens how to be respectful. In many cases, adults have not
been modeling respectful behavior for teens.
We haven’t “put respect in the bank” with them. We’ve been controlling them through threats,
punishments, and coercion for years.
When kids reach their teen years, they realize that they are physically
too big for us to control, they often have some money of their own, and they
have the ability to drive or walk away if they want. They realize that we have limited power over
them. We’ve been controlling them
through power up until that point, so when the power is removed, we no longer
have influence. If we’ve been building a
relationship of mutual respect all of their lives, I think the teen years will
go much better. They will see us as wise
advisers who will advise them, but not force them to do things. They will see us as partners in their lives
rather than adversaries.
I am no expert on teenagers, having none of my own. I do have a degree in Clinical Psychology and several years of experience teaching Lifespan Development at a college. I will say that, for my own children (ages 7 and 9), showing them the same respect I feel I deserve has a positive impact on them. Since I've been really trying to be respectful of them and trying not to force or coerce them into doing things, they have been more polite and respectful towards me and towards each other. They have been more responsible about getting themselves ready to go places, getting themselves ready for bed, clearing their place at the table, etc. I find I don't need to nag or remind them to do things as often. They seem to have more confidence and are taking more responsibility for their own actions. Isn't that what we all hope for our children?
