How to Help Those Who Are Grieving. Lessons Learned.

I lost my father on May 15, 2016.  This experience has taught me so much.  Some of my friends have already lost parents and, statistically speaking, nearly all of my friends will lose at least one parent over the next 20 years. These are things I didn’t realize before losing my dad.   I feel bad, looking back to times when my friends lost parents or loved ones because I realize I did not do what I should have done and I could have been a much better friend.  I learned so much about how to be a better friend to others going through this hard time, so I wanted to share what I’ve learned. 

First, losing a parent is hard.  It is always hard.  It doesn’t matter if your parent was old and you are middle aged or older.  It doesn’t matter if they lived “a good long life.”  Yes, this is the natural order of things and, yes, we all know it will happen someday, but it is still hard when it happens.  You mourn the loss not only of the parent as he/she was at the time they died, you also mourn the loss of the parent of your childhood.  You mourn the loss of that shared history.  My father was 87 when he died and he’d been in declining health for several years.  His mind was still sound, though, and I had still enjoyed talking to him daily.  There are some factors that may make it slightly easier or harder to prepare for the death of a parent- if it was the result of a long or painful illness, for example, it may be easier to be comforted by the fact that your parent is no longer in pain or suffering.  It is still hard, though, because you don’t just mourn the loss of that parent as they were at the end.  You mourn the end of your life with them.  To a certain extent, even as an adult, you mourn the loss of your childhood.  You realize that that parent is the only person who shared many of your childhood moments and you mourn the loss of your unique relationship with them.  So, never down-play the grief someone feels when losing a parent.  No matter what the age or circumstance, it is a profound loss.  It greatly helped me when people expressed to me that they understood how hard it is to lose a parent, when they gave me permission to grieve deeply.

Second, a person who is grieving needs love and support.  I was not always good at this when friends and relatives lost loved ones.  I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t want to intrude.  I sometimes felt like I wasn’t a close enough friend, so I should give them space.  I assumed their close friends and relatives would provide the support they needed.  I’ve learned, though, that you can never have too much support and love in times of grief.  If the person needs space, they can simply turn off their phone or not answer texts or e-mails.  Don’t be afraid to call, text, e-mail, bring food, etc.  Any support is appreciated and you won’t be seen as a bother.  It doesn’t matter if you are a close friend to the grieving person or just an acquaintance who cares.  It will be appreciated. 

Third, it is best to offer something specific to help someone who is grieving.  Offering to help however you can is nice, but it is better to just do something helpful or offer specific help.  After my father died, I was so overwhelmed with grief and the funeral planning process that I really didn’t know what help I needed or who to ask, even though many people had offered to help me “in any way”.  I greatly appreciated the friends who just brought food or offered to watch my kids on specific days/times.  I appreciated the thoughtfulness of everyone who offered to help, but I hesitated to ask them for help unless they’d offered something specific.  I didn’t want to impose.  In times like these when the heart is working overtime and the logical mind is struggling, it is often best for friends to step in and say, “Here, I’ll take care of this for you.” 

One friend called me just as I was needing help and it was so fortuitous that I think it had to be my Dad reaching down from Heaven to offer me some help.  I was at the mall trying to find something for the kids, my mother, and myself to wear to the funeral.  Let me just say that, while I normally kind of enjoy shopping, the mall is not really the place you want to be when you’re grieving and already overwhelmed by funeral planning.  I found myself wandering aimlessly through department stores looking at all clothes that were black or gray.   I felt flustered and confused.  I realized I hadn’t eaten anything since a light breakfast that morning and it was 4PM.  Just then, my phone rang and my friend called.  She told me she was free that evening and asked what she could do to help me.  I told her my situation and she came to meet me at the mall.  She helped me to stay focused and accomplish what I needed to do and ate a quick dinner with me so I didn’t pass out from hunger.  Sometimes just calling to say “I’m free now, what do you need?” is great.

Other friends brought food to the visitation, babysat my kids, or brought meals for my family.  This was all so appreciated.  Before this experience, I was always one who said “let me know if I can do anything” to people who were grieving.  I never quite knew what to do and no one ever took me up on my offer to “do anything.”   It is better to either say, “what do you need?” or “what can I do?” or to simply offer something you know you can do. 

Lastly, I learned that grief and the need for support doesn’t end when the funeral is over.  I’ve so appreciated the friends who’ve continued to check on me, who’ve sent sympathy cards, or who’ve provided support in other ways.  I think the hardest part of the grieving process is after the funeral is over and life is supposed to return to normal.  It is important to reach out to people who are grieving at that time.  You might want to also think about anniversary dates that will be difficult for the grieving person- birthdays, holidays, death anniversary date, etc.  Reach out to your friend on those dates to see how they are doing.  Just knowing that others remember and care can be very comforting. 

When someone is grieving, we often feel awkward.  It is an intimate time, a time when a person is at their most raw and vulnerable.   We are afraid of doing something wrong or somehow making things worse.  I have learned, though, that there really is nothing you can do that is wrong as long as you are providing support, caring, and offering your love. 

Eulogy For My Beloved Daddy

My father died on May 15, 2016 at 6:15PM.  My mother was on one side of him holding his hand and I was on the other side of him with my hand on his shoulder.

This is the eulogy I delivered at his funeral.  I was a bit concerned about being able to do the eulogy when I was so upset, but it was something I felt I had to do to honor his memory.  I wrote this in the few days between his death and his funeral.  I feel like God or my dad almost helped me write it because the words for this simply popped into my head at odd times when I wasn't even working on it.  One morning I woke up knowing exactly what to say in the last paragraph.  So, I can't take credit for this entirely.  I give credit to God for granting me the words to properly eulogize my father.

My father's eulogy:

Over the past few days I’ve spoken to many friends and family about my dad.  Many people shared their memories of him and told me how they felt about him.  Several words were used over and over to describe him- Kind, Loving, and Amazing.  These words certainly describe my father.

My father endured so much in his life and he did it with such grace.  I don’t think I ever heard him complain.   So many things he loved were taken from him.  As a young man, my father loved the outdoors and enjoyed spending time hiking and camping.  As a child he enjoyed playing in the woods that are now part of Bellarmine University’s campus.  He raised rabbits and pigeons in his backyard.  As a young man, he volunteered as a Scoutmaster.  He had a boat and loved to play on the river.  He had a convertible and he loved to drive.  After he lost his sight, he was unable to do any of those things.  When I was a child, Dad developed a skin condition that made him extremely sun sensitive.  He couldn’t even walk to the end of our driveway in the sun without becoming sunburned.  He seemed to have a constant sunburn.  This prevented him from spending time with me outdoors during the day even though I know he really wanted to.  Despite suffering almost constantly from itchy and painful skin, he always maintained an even temper and was a patient father.

Many people would have been discouraged by these crosses that he had to bear.  These trials may have caused others to lose their faith in God.  My father, however, never let these things stand in his way and he NEVER lost his strong Catholic faith.  My father chose to make the best of bad situations, he chose to look on the bright side, and he chose to turn to God in prayer when his burdens seemed too great.

He also had a great sense of humor and handled so many difficulties with a laugh and a smile.   When I was a kid, my friends were always a bit fascinated or perplexed by my parents’ blindness.  One particular friend used to try to peek around his glasses to see his eyes and she asked him one time if he was really blind.  Dad responded, “No, I’m a CIA agent and I’m here to check up on the FBI agent who lives next door.”  I think she believed him for a few years!

It was often hard to believe he was blind.  Rather than saying he couldn’t do something because of his blindness, he simply figured out a creative solution that would allow him to do what he wanted.  A perfect example of this is the way my father finished the basement in the house where I grew up, the house right next to this church.  He framed walls, put up paneling, hung doors, and wired lights.  He asked for help from me only to tell him the colors of the wires so he could properly wire the lights.  I certainly can’t imagine doing those types of things in total darkness!  Many carpentry tools are made for sighted people.  Well… let’s face it, really ALL carpentry tools are made for sighted people!  Instead of being discouraged by that fact, Dad made up his own tools to help him to make sure the walls were square and level.  He took pride in doing a good job, but he was never one to brag or show off what he did.  I was thinking yesterday that I don’t think I ever heard my father tell anyone about how he finished the basement unless that person specifically asked him about it.  My mother and I always liked to brag on him, but, whenever we did, he almost seemed embarrassed.  He was humble.

He was also such a kind and loving person. He was such a warm, caring, and loving husband to my mother and father to me.  He was a loving grandfather to my children.  Everyone who knew him could feel his kind and loving nature.  One of his greatest joys was when he could give back to younger generations through mentoring and teaching.  When he was in his 30’s he wasn’t sure he’d ever get married or have children of his own.  He chose to volunteer as a Scoutmaster.  He regularly took a group of Boy Scouts camping.  He told me once that it was often very difficult to find even one of the fathers to go with them on those trips and he was always surprised by that.  He told me how he served as a father figure to some of the boys in the troop whose own fathers were absent or uninvolved.

He also loved his nieces and nephews.  My cousin, Kevin, told me a few days ago how my father inspired him to study engineering.  My father showed him how he did his work as a draftsman and, after my father’s sight declined and he realized he’d no longer be able to use the tools of his trade, he passed those things on to Kevin.  He was so proud of the many accomplishments of his nieces and nephews.

My father was a great man.  I feel so blessed to have had such a wonderful, kind, loving, and inspiring father.   Planning how to memorialize him and do justice to his memory has been difficult.  The first reading that I chose for today is an unusual reading for funerals.  It is one from 1st Corinthians that is more often used at weddings.  It ends with “Faith, Hope and Love remain and the greatest of these is love.”  These are the gifts my father left for me and for all of us.  He always demonstrated strong faith and taught me to be strong in my faith.  He left me with great hope that he is now united with God and we will all see him again in Heaven.  And our love for him will always remain and I believe he is in Heaven now sending his love to all of us.  What more can any of us hope for than to pass on to Eternal Life, loved by those around us and held in the loving hand of God?