Yesterday my godfather, Frank, passed away. He was 86 and had Alzheimer's so this was not unexpected. He was a good, kind, and witty man. He would have made a wonderful father, but he never had children of his own because his first wife, my godmother, had cancer and, shortly after they married, became unable to bear children. She died when I was 9 and Frank remarried several years later, but they were too old to have children at that point. He had stepchildren and he had me, his god child.
When I was very young we lived right next door to my godparents. Since they had no children, they treated me like their own child. Nearly all of the the photos of me as a baby were taken when I was in my godmother's arms. I visited them frequently and have many happy memories of time spent at their home.
I am an only child. My parents were in their 40s when I was born so they weren't able to have more children. This (having only one child and having a child in your 40s) was rather unusual back in the 70s so most people assumed my parents were my grandparents or that I was the youngest of a family of many kids. I don't know what the right number of children is in a family. I think it is a very personal decision. I do know that there are pros and cons to any number.
In many ways being an only child was good. I had my parents undivided love and attention. I didn't have to worry about sharing a room, toys, or my parent's affection. My father's sister had seven children and I think my cousins were always a little jealous of me. They thought I was lucky and probably a bit spoiled to have so many things and so much space all to myself. I, on the other hand was always a little jealous of them. They always had someone to play with and they seemed to have such a close relationship with each other.
Now that I'm older, there is another part of being an only child that is difficult. I sometimes feel as if I'm losing my childhood memories. For people with siblings, they have someone in their life who has known them for most or all of their lives. They have others with whom they can reminisce about their younger days. There are others who remember all of the crazy, silly, sad, or happy things that happened when they were young. For an only child, there are very few people like that and most of them are much older. For me, I had my cousins but, regrettably, we were not particularly close. Other than that, I had my parents, who are now in their 80s and suffering from the beginnings of dementia and I had my godparents and a few other close family friends. I realize that in the not-so-distant future there will be no one alive who shares my childhood memories. This makes me somewhat sad.
I realize this isn't really that big of a deal in many ways. This is not meant to be a pity party. But, I am sad that I won't have anyone to whom I can say, "do you remember that time when I was 4 and...?" There will be no one else who remembers the way I used to sing "She'll be Coming Round the Mountain" with my dad while waiting for my babysitter to pick me up in the morning or how my parents always sat up and talked quietly in the kitchen at night after putting me to bed. Our family history will reside only with me. I'm not the only one who has had these thoughts. Country singer, Kathy Mattea, sang a song written by her husband, apparently an only child, called "Who's Gonna Know But Me" that talks about this exact thing. This is just one of those things most never consider when thinking about the pros and cons of having just one child.
I'm aware that many, like my parents, may not make their own choice to have just one child. It may be what God (or fate or circumstances, or whatever you'd like to call it) chooses for them. Or, many do choose to have one child because that is what is right for their family. Having just one child is not all bad by any means. I would encourage you, though, especially if you have only one child, to document as much of his/her childhood as possible. Take pictures and video, keep a journal. As your child gets older, be sure to tell her stories of her childhood. Knowing our personal history can be very helpful. I believe it makes us feel more grounded and helps us to understand ourselves better.
I wonder if being an only child influenced your own decision about how many children to have? I think part of the reason I wanted three (besides insane hormones) is to do something different from my own mother. She had an older girl and a younger boy (like my N and G) and said they weren't making any new models. For me, I think every kid is a "new" model. But I think 4 children would have pushed me solidly into bonkers territory.
ReplyDeleteCarrie- I think the fact that I'm an only child definitely influenced my decision to have a second child. My husband and I discussed it at length before deciding on two. I remember telling him that I was concerned since our daughter won't have any cousins and I didn't want her to have to deal with us getting older and things like that alone. I also think that the sibling relationship can be such a special bond and I always longed for that (and still do sometimes). It makes me so happy to see my kids getting along and loving each other. It makes up for the times when they are fighting and yelling at each other!
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