RV Trip Day 1

Day 1

On Friday, we set out on our adventure.  We had planned to leave around noon, but, with all of the usual last minute things that had to be done, we didn’t leave until about 3:30PM.  Our original plan was to drive to St. Louis and get there in time to have dinner, relax a bit and then get a good night sleep before hitting the road the next day.  As it worked out, we stopped outside of St. Louis to have some dinner because we were all hungry and we realized we were going to be arriving at the RV park after dark anyway.  We stopped in a Wal-Mart parking lot so we could grab a few groceries we needed and fix some dinner. 

We were so excited that our RV had an over-the-range microwave and we brought quite a few microwavable foods for quick meals on the road.  My son loves corn dogs, so we offered to fix those for him after he rejected all of the nearby restaurants that were within walking distance of the Wal-Mart parking lot.  We made sure the generator was turned on and I prepared to fix the corn dogs.  This is where we encountered a problem.  The microwave wouldn’t work.  We tried flipping breakers, plugging the microwave into different plugs, etc.  Nothing worked.  My son whined that he was hungry and wanted his corn dogs.  We called the RV owners and they had no idea what could be wrong either.  We finally decided it was probably a fuse in the microwave- not something we could fix ourselves.  It was getting rather late and we were all tired and hungry.  My husband, daughter, and I got food at a nearby restaurant to go.  My son ate some snack food we had and said he was full.  We continued on to our first campsite.

We arrived at the Lakeside 370 campground in St. Louis after dark.  We picked up our paperwork at the office and proceeded to our site.  My husband managed to park the RV and get the hookups done in the dark quite well.  I was impressed, but also rather exhausted.  We slid out the sides of the RV making it a much larger living space.  I pulled out the queen size sofa bed and made it up for our daughter and flipped open the other couch to make another full-size bed for our son.  We all collapsed into bed and went to sleep. 

Lakeside 370 was a pretty RV park right by a small lake in St. Louis.  I decided to take a shower using the park’s facilities the next morning.  Rather than being inside a restroom, it was a single unisex room with a door that locked.  The shower contained several bugs, one of the flying biting variety I soon found out.  I took a very quick shower while shooing away the biting fly.  I decided perhaps the RV shower would be a better bet in the future. 

My husband decided to take a quick shower in the RV.  As soon as he started running water down the drain, a horrible smell emerged from the drain.  It smelled like cat urine, only worse.  I googled bad smell from drain in RV and found that, apparently, this is a very common problem.  I found that it is a result of not keeping the drain trap filled with water.  We flushed water down the drain for about 20 minutes and the smell went away.  

We folded up the beds, slid in the slides, and set out for the next leg of our trip- a 6 hour drive to Salina, KS. 

Cross Country Adventure

My family and I began a new adventure last Friday.  We rented a 38’ motorhome, packed up our stuff and the kids and began a 3 week tour of the American Southwest. 

How in the world did Brian and I, who seem like sane people (usually), decide to voluntarily place ourselves in a space of less than 500 square feet with our two energetic children for three weeks?  What in the world possessed Brian to decide that, after driving a relatively small, sporty, hatchback car, he would be glad to drive a 38 foot long, 31,000 lb. behemoth for three weeks? 

It is actually something we’ve discussed and dreamed about for a few years now.  What better way to see the country than to drive through it?  And, if you’re going on a long drive with small children, it is certainly convenient to have a clean bathroom available at all times and to have a large refrigerator and freezer.  A few weeks ago, I mentioned to my husband that a friend of mine had gone on a Southwest road trip with her family.  We talked about how educational that would be for the kids and interesting it would be for us.  We had been planning a family vacation in October, but we were planning a relaxing beach vacation.  Brian suggested we do this instead.  I pointed out that it wouldn’t be very relaxing.  After discussing it more, though, we agreed it would be an amazing experience for all of us and we agreed to start planning. 

We agreed that I would plan our route and Brian would work on finding an RV rental.  He started looking and found that RVs are rather scarce and expensive unless you plan several months in advance.  I found that the places we wanted to visit out west were apt to get snow as early as October so we’d need to go relatively soon or wait until Spring.  Then, I posted a question on a Facebook group for RVers and a member of the group messaged me to say that she and her husband live in our city and had an RV they might be willing to rent to us.  We found that they lived just 15 minutes from our home.  Brian and I met them and checked out the RV, a 10 year old Fleetwood Bounder, Class A, 38’, diesel pusher.  It seemed pretty well maintained and the couple seemed very nice.  The price was slightly better than renting from a rental company and it was available whenever we wanted to use it.  After figuring out insurance issues, roadside assistance, etc. we picked up the RV on Wednesday night and started packing our things. 

Packing for an RV trip is very different than packing for a road trip where you stay in hotels or even packing for a camping trip.  Rather than using luggage, we packed our items directly into the closet, drawers, and cabinets of the RV.  I had to think about meals on the road and pack food in the cabinets and refrigerator/freezer.  I had to pack cooking utensils, dishes, silverware, etc. 

As I packed, I was a little nervous.  This was essentially a house on wheels.  I had to keep in mind that this house and everything we packed in it would be moving down the road.  Things would potentially shift in transit.  I had to make sure everything was secured.  There was something a bit disconcerting to think about sitting on a couch or at a dinette table while rolling down the road at 65 miles per hour.  I packed carefully and was thankful for cabinet doors that closed securely and shelves with lips on the front. 

I started to get excited about the trip as I imagined all of the interesting and amazing things we’d see and be able to share with the kids. 

I’ll write more about our trip as soon as I can.  Internet connectivity at RV parks can be a bit spotty.  

How to Help Those Who Are Grieving. Lessons Learned.

I lost my father on May 15, 2016.  This experience has taught me so much.  Some of my friends have already lost parents and, statistically speaking, nearly all of my friends will lose at least one parent over the next 20 years. These are things I didn’t realize before losing my dad.   I feel bad, looking back to times when my friends lost parents or loved ones because I realize I did not do what I should have done and I could have been a much better friend.  I learned so much about how to be a better friend to others going through this hard time, so I wanted to share what I’ve learned. 

First, losing a parent is hard.  It is always hard.  It doesn’t matter if your parent was old and you are middle aged or older.  It doesn’t matter if they lived “a good long life.”  Yes, this is the natural order of things and, yes, we all know it will happen someday, but it is still hard when it happens.  You mourn the loss not only of the parent as he/she was at the time they died, you also mourn the loss of the parent of your childhood.  You mourn the loss of that shared history.  My father was 87 when he died and he’d been in declining health for several years.  His mind was still sound, though, and I had still enjoyed talking to him daily.  There are some factors that may make it slightly easier or harder to prepare for the death of a parent- if it was the result of a long or painful illness, for example, it may be easier to be comforted by the fact that your parent is no longer in pain or suffering.  It is still hard, though, because you don’t just mourn the loss of that parent as they were at the end.  You mourn the end of your life with them.  To a certain extent, even as an adult, you mourn the loss of your childhood.  You realize that that parent is the only person who shared many of your childhood moments and you mourn the loss of your unique relationship with them.  So, never down-play the grief someone feels when losing a parent.  No matter what the age or circumstance, it is a profound loss.  It greatly helped me when people expressed to me that they understood how hard it is to lose a parent, when they gave me permission to grieve deeply.

Second, a person who is grieving needs love and support.  I was not always good at this when friends and relatives lost loved ones.  I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t want to intrude.  I sometimes felt like I wasn’t a close enough friend, so I should give them space.  I assumed their close friends and relatives would provide the support they needed.  I’ve learned, though, that you can never have too much support and love in times of grief.  If the person needs space, they can simply turn off their phone or not answer texts or e-mails.  Don’t be afraid to call, text, e-mail, bring food, etc.  Any support is appreciated and you won’t be seen as a bother.  It doesn’t matter if you are a close friend to the grieving person or just an acquaintance who cares.  It will be appreciated. 

Third, it is best to offer something specific to help someone who is grieving.  Offering to help however you can is nice, but it is better to just do something helpful or offer specific help.  After my father died, I was so overwhelmed with grief and the funeral planning process that I really didn’t know what help I needed or who to ask, even though many people had offered to help me “in any way”.  I greatly appreciated the friends who just brought food or offered to watch my kids on specific days/times.  I appreciated the thoughtfulness of everyone who offered to help, but I hesitated to ask them for help unless they’d offered something specific.  I didn’t want to impose.  In times like these when the heart is working overtime and the logical mind is struggling, it is often best for friends to step in and say, “Here, I’ll take care of this for you.” 

One friend called me just as I was needing help and it was so fortuitous that I think it had to be my Dad reaching down from Heaven to offer me some help.  I was at the mall trying to find something for the kids, my mother, and myself to wear to the funeral.  Let me just say that, while I normally kind of enjoy shopping, the mall is not really the place you want to be when you’re grieving and already overwhelmed by funeral planning.  I found myself wandering aimlessly through department stores looking at all clothes that were black or gray.   I felt flustered and confused.  I realized I hadn’t eaten anything since a light breakfast that morning and it was 4PM.  Just then, my phone rang and my friend called.  She told me she was free that evening and asked what she could do to help me.  I told her my situation and she came to meet me at the mall.  She helped me to stay focused and accomplish what I needed to do and ate a quick dinner with me so I didn’t pass out from hunger.  Sometimes just calling to say “I’m free now, what do you need?” is great.

Other friends brought food to the visitation, babysat my kids, or brought meals for my family.  This was all so appreciated.  Before this experience, I was always one who said “let me know if I can do anything” to people who were grieving.  I never quite knew what to do and no one ever took me up on my offer to “do anything.”   It is better to either say, “what do you need?” or “what can I do?” or to simply offer something you know you can do. 

Lastly, I learned that grief and the need for support doesn’t end when the funeral is over.  I’ve so appreciated the friends who’ve continued to check on me, who’ve sent sympathy cards, or who’ve provided support in other ways.  I think the hardest part of the grieving process is after the funeral is over and life is supposed to return to normal.  It is important to reach out to people who are grieving at that time.  You might want to also think about anniversary dates that will be difficult for the grieving person- birthdays, holidays, death anniversary date, etc.  Reach out to your friend on those dates to see how they are doing.  Just knowing that others remember and care can be very comforting. 

When someone is grieving, we often feel awkward.  It is an intimate time, a time when a person is at their most raw and vulnerable.   We are afraid of doing something wrong or somehow making things worse.  I have learned, though, that there really is nothing you can do that is wrong as long as you are providing support, caring, and offering your love. 

Eulogy For My Beloved Daddy

My father died on May 15, 2016 at 6:15PM.  My mother was on one side of him holding his hand and I was on the other side of him with my hand on his shoulder.

This is the eulogy I delivered at his funeral.  I was a bit concerned about being able to do the eulogy when I was so upset, but it was something I felt I had to do to honor his memory.  I wrote this in the few days between his death and his funeral.  I feel like God or my dad almost helped me write it because the words for this simply popped into my head at odd times when I wasn't even working on it.  One morning I woke up knowing exactly what to say in the last paragraph.  So, I can't take credit for this entirely.  I give credit to God for granting me the words to properly eulogize my father.

My father's eulogy:

Over the past few days I’ve spoken to many friends and family about my dad.  Many people shared their memories of him and told me how they felt about him.  Several words were used over and over to describe him- Kind, Loving, and Amazing.  These words certainly describe my father.

My father endured so much in his life and he did it with such grace.  I don’t think I ever heard him complain.   So many things he loved were taken from him.  As a young man, my father loved the outdoors and enjoyed spending time hiking and camping.  As a child he enjoyed playing in the woods that are now part of Bellarmine University’s campus.  He raised rabbits and pigeons in his backyard.  As a young man, he volunteered as a Scoutmaster.  He had a boat and loved to play on the river.  He had a convertible and he loved to drive.  After he lost his sight, he was unable to do any of those things.  When I was a child, Dad developed a skin condition that made him extremely sun sensitive.  He couldn’t even walk to the end of our driveway in the sun without becoming sunburned.  He seemed to have a constant sunburn.  This prevented him from spending time with me outdoors during the day even though I know he really wanted to.  Despite suffering almost constantly from itchy and painful skin, he always maintained an even temper and was a patient father.

Many people would have been discouraged by these crosses that he had to bear.  These trials may have caused others to lose their faith in God.  My father, however, never let these things stand in his way and he NEVER lost his strong Catholic faith.  My father chose to make the best of bad situations, he chose to look on the bright side, and he chose to turn to God in prayer when his burdens seemed too great.

He also had a great sense of humor and handled so many difficulties with a laugh and a smile.   When I was a kid, my friends were always a bit fascinated or perplexed by my parents’ blindness.  One particular friend used to try to peek around his glasses to see his eyes and she asked him one time if he was really blind.  Dad responded, “No, I’m a CIA agent and I’m here to check up on the FBI agent who lives next door.”  I think she believed him for a few years!

It was often hard to believe he was blind.  Rather than saying he couldn’t do something because of his blindness, he simply figured out a creative solution that would allow him to do what he wanted.  A perfect example of this is the way my father finished the basement in the house where I grew up, the house right next to this church.  He framed walls, put up paneling, hung doors, and wired lights.  He asked for help from me only to tell him the colors of the wires so he could properly wire the lights.  I certainly can’t imagine doing those types of things in total darkness!  Many carpentry tools are made for sighted people.  Well… let’s face it, really ALL carpentry tools are made for sighted people!  Instead of being discouraged by that fact, Dad made up his own tools to help him to make sure the walls were square and level.  He took pride in doing a good job, but he was never one to brag or show off what he did.  I was thinking yesterday that I don’t think I ever heard my father tell anyone about how he finished the basement unless that person specifically asked him about it.  My mother and I always liked to brag on him, but, whenever we did, he almost seemed embarrassed.  He was humble.

He was also such a kind and loving person. He was such a warm, caring, and loving husband to my mother and father to me.  He was a loving grandfather to my children.  Everyone who knew him could feel his kind and loving nature.  One of his greatest joys was when he could give back to younger generations through mentoring and teaching.  When he was in his 30’s he wasn’t sure he’d ever get married or have children of his own.  He chose to volunteer as a Scoutmaster.  He regularly took a group of Boy Scouts camping.  He told me once that it was often very difficult to find even one of the fathers to go with them on those trips and he was always surprised by that.  He told me how he served as a father figure to some of the boys in the troop whose own fathers were absent or uninvolved.

He also loved his nieces and nephews.  My cousin, Kevin, told me a few days ago how my father inspired him to study engineering.  My father showed him how he did his work as a draftsman and, after my father’s sight declined and he realized he’d no longer be able to use the tools of his trade, he passed those things on to Kevin.  He was so proud of the many accomplishments of his nieces and nephews.

My father was a great man.  I feel so blessed to have had such a wonderful, kind, loving, and inspiring father.   Planning how to memorialize him and do justice to his memory has been difficult.  The first reading that I chose for today is an unusual reading for funerals.  It is one from 1st Corinthians that is more often used at weddings.  It ends with “Faith, Hope and Love remain and the greatest of these is love.”  These are the gifts my father left for me and for all of us.  He always demonstrated strong faith and taught me to be strong in my faith.  He left me with great hope that he is now united with God and we will all see him again in Heaven.  And our love for him will always remain and I believe he is in Heaven now sending his love to all of us.  What more can any of us hope for than to pass on to Eternal Life, loved by those around us and held in the loving hand of God?

Don't Tell Me You Could Never Homeschool

One comment I hear quite often after telling people that I homeschool my two children is "I could never homeschool my kids!"  This is usually followed by comments about how they lack patience and would "kill" their children if they tried homeschooling.  Sometimes this is also followed by comments about how they wouldn't know how to homeschool or they aren't qualified to homeschool.
I completely understand that many people do not feel that homeschooling is the right decision for their family.  I think the wonderful thing is that everyone is able to choose for themselves what they feel is best for their child and their family.  Don't, however, say that you can't homeschool.  It just isn't true.

All parents are homeschoolers.  When our children are young, we encourage their first words, we read to them, we hold their hand as they take their first toddling steps.  We point out things in the world around us.  We have conversations with them.  For some reason, though, once a child reaches 5 or 6, we suddenly come to believe that we are no longer qualified to teach them.  That task becomes the purview of certified teachers.  We ignore the fact that these teachers don't really know our children, that we are often unhappy with how our children are taught in school, that the teacher is responsible for teaching 20+ children, and that our children are only in school for about 6 hours per day (much of which is spent lining up, dealing with discipline issues, etc.).  We have been told that school age children should be taught in a school and that only uniquely qualified people can teach.

In college, professors are not required to have any training in teaching.  They are highly educated in their fields, but they have no training in educating others.  As a result, some college professors are wonderful teachers and others are not.  In my experience, I found that the ones who were the best were the ones who were truly interested in their students and took the time to really get to know them as people and then made the material relevant to them.  Isn't that something that parents inherently do?  Why is it that we don't think college professors need any training in education while elementary teachers do? Why is it that many believe that parents aren't as qualified as a college professor to teach?  Parents usually know and understand their children better than anyone else does.  They are uniquely qualified to teach in a way that is meaningful and memorable for their children.

Others have told me that they wouldn't know how to teach or what material to cover.  This was one of my concerns when I first started homeschooling.  I addressed this by purchasing a boxed curriculum package.  I used a curriculum called BookShark.  I ordered it online and the large box arrived at my door a week later.  It included all of the required books and, best of all, a binder containing a day-by-day schedule of exactly what books to read and material to cover.  All I had to do was follow their plan and check off what we completed.   I knew, if we covered the prescribed material, we would have covered everything that my children would have covered in school that year.  I ended up branching off from BookShark and tailoring my own curriculum after a couple of months, but that's another topic for another post.  If you're nervous about covering what is necessary to keep your child on grade level, you can simply buy a curriculum and follow it.

Another concern that I hear even more often is that parents don't believe they are patient enough to homeschool their children.  I'm here to tell you that I am not a very patient person and I have managed to homeschool my children for the last year without incident.  Sure, some days they have tried my patience and I have yelled a bit.  I feel bad about that, but I'm pretty certain I did no irreparable harm.  Homeschooling has been a wonderful voyage of self-discovery for me.  I have learned how to deal with frustration and how to look at the long-range view.  I have learned that, if they are restless, unmotivated, and distracted, we can usually take a break and they will focus better later.  I have learned that flexibility is key and I need to let go of some of my control-freak nature.

I've also learned that one reason parents have such a hard time believing that they could survive homeschooling is that they are currently only with their children after school, on weekends, and during the summer.  After school, most children are at their worst.  They have been confined all day and forced to sit still and focus on boring material for most of the day.  They have been somewhat stressed and bored all day.  After school, they can finally relax and cut loose.  If, they've finished their homework, that is.  That is why homework becomes such a battle.  My daughter was certainly DONE with school work by the time she came home each day last year.  She didn't want to deal with even 30 minutes more sitting still and doing work.  I couldn't blame her.

The struggle you face getting your child to do homework is nothing like homeschooling.  Homework must be done in the evening when a child has already been sitting still and focusing all day at school.  Homework is the obstacle keeping them from relaxing and unwinding at the end of the day.  Most homework is or feels like busy work rather than meaningful learning.  I also found that homework was often confusing even to me.  The directions were often unclear and, since I wasn't the teacher, I didn't know what to tell my daughter to do.  When you are the teacher, you get to decide how the assignments will be completed.  You also get to decide when your child has done enough and you don't have to force them to complete 30 practice math problems because some of the 25 children in her class need extra practice.

Weekends and summer are another time when non-homeschooling parents are with their children and are sometimes at their wits end.  Again, this does not reflect how homeschooling would be.  Weekends and summers tend to be unstructured free time.  Personally, I've found that we do much better when there is some structure to our days.  We need a daily plan.  Left to figure it out for themselves, my children usually either spend too much time in front of screens, making me feel guilty, or they endlessly bug me to tell them how to amuse themselves.  When we homeschool, we have a daily plan.  They have certain tasks to complete each day and I usually have some time built in when I can get things done on my own while they are otherwise occupied.  We have time when I am totally focused on them so that, later, they are usually happy to have some time to themselves.

Homeschooling isn't always easy, but it isn't as hard as you might think.  I am not an overly patient person.  I am not specially trained in education.  I am, like nearly all parents, just passionate about ensuring that each of my children has the best childhood and the best educational experience possible.  For me, the best way to do that for my children is through homeschooling.  Others might feel that the best way to do that is to send their children to school.  Either is a fine choice.  Just don't tell me you couldn't homeschool.


Addendum:  I do realize that some people are unable to homeschool because they are required to work long hours and need the childcare provided by school.  I want to be clear that I'm not referring to being unable to homeschool for such reasons.  I just wanted to point out that any parent who really wants to, has the ability to homeschool in terms of patience and qualifications.

One year down!

Last week we completed our required number of instructional days for homeschooling.  We started at the beginning of last summer and took several breaks throughout the year so we're finishing our school year about 2 months ahead of the local schools.  I don't plan on stopping the learning, but I will probably be a bit more relaxed about it for the next couple of months since I don't have to stress over fitting in the required days before the end of the year.  It is a good feeling.

Now that I have one year of homeschooling under my belt, I can reflect on what I've learned.  I've learned a lot- maybe even more than the kids did!

1)   I learned that it's OK to change course and adapt as needed.  I started the year nervous and I decided to buy a boxed curriculum to guide me.  I bought one called BookShark- the secular version of Sonlight, a respected curriculum that's been around for quite a while.  It is a great program that provides a lot of guidance.  Each week it outlined exactly what we should do for each subject- books to read, science experiments to conduct, worksheets to complete.  It made me feel safe and secure.  That was great for exactly 7 weeks.

Then, at week 7 we were supposed to read a book that the kids really didn't like.  I really didn't like it.  So, I picked out another classic children's book to read instead.  This, then, impacted the worksheets and some of the other assignments we were supposed to do, so I changed those.  I also decided that I didn't like the assigned history book, so I picked something else.  The writing assignments were boring to my daughter, so I changed that to something she found more interesting.  Soon, I found I wasn't really following the BookShark program at all.  I was using the subjects and the amount of material to complete each day as a guide, but that was about it.  I kept thinking we'd return to following BookShark eventually, but we never did.

BookShark is a great program and it's perfect for anyone who wants to be told what to do and needs some guidance in homeschooling their kids.  I definitely needed that in the beginning.  Eventually, though, it became too restrictive for us.  One of the huge benefits of homeschooling is the ability to tailor the curriculum to your child's ability and interests.  If you use a boxed curriculum and follow it exactly, you lose that ability to a great extent.

2)  Homeschooling does not need to look like school.  In fact, it's usually better when it doesn't.  Just because it doesn't look like school, doesn't mean it's not educational.  When we first started the year, I thought school days had to look like, well, school.  I set up a classroom in our house with desks, a whiteboard, a map of the world, etc.  Soon, though, we were taking nature hikes and I realized the kids were learning more on those hikes by observing bugs, plants, and animals (and sometimes looking them up on my phone to get more information) than they were learning sitting in our classroom reading a science book.  I even started to see learning taking place while they were playing video games or Minecraft.  My 5 year old son started to learn fractions while playing Pikmin 3 on the Wii U.  My 7 year old daughter greatly improved her spelling, reading, and typing skills playing Minecraft with other kids through GamED Academy.  She also took some courses through GamED where she'd do a weekly learn and then a related build activity.  The build activities helped to really cement what she'd learned.  Minecraft, I discovered, can be a great tool for learning.

3)  The relationship is more important than the lesson.  Or, maybe the relationship is the lesson some days.  What I mean is that sometimes we hit a brick wall.  My kids couldn't sit still, didn't feel like learning what I had planned, or they just struggled to complete an assignment.  At first, I felt like I had to force them to sit still, pay attention, and learn.  After all, in regular school they'd have to do that, wouldn't they?  I quickly learned that I could force them to sort of sit still and be quiet, but you can't really force someone to pay attention or to learn.  Some days, it just wasn't worth the fight.  It wasn't worth hurting our relationship.  Some days it made sense to focus more on our relationship and doing things we enjoyed doing together.  Usually, if I let go of a difficult subject and returned to it in a few hours or the next day, things went much better.  Some days, my kids just weren't in the mood to concentrate on math and that was ok.  Some may disagree and say that, as adults, we have to learn to do onerous work even when we're not in the mood.  I agree.  As adults, however, we do those onerous tasks because we see the ultimate value in doing them (even if that's just that we get to keep our job).  Kids don't have that same type of view of the long-term reward.  It is a lesson they'll learn over time, but elementary age is not the time.  Learning happens much faster and is much more joyful when kids are in the right frame of mind to accomplish it.

4)  I don't want to do this alone.  Maybe I could do this alone, but I can definitely do it better with others.  This year, I've joined several different homeschool groups in the area.  We've participated in group field trips, playdates, and various homeschool classes.  It is more fun for all of us to share these activities.  Next year, I'm going to enroll them in a cottage school one day a week.  A cottage school is a non-accredited school where homeschooled kids can take classes to enrich and supplement what they are doing at home.  So, one day a week my kids will take classes in art, literature, Spanish, and science.  One day a week, I'll have some free time to run errands without kids, go to appointments for myself, etc.  I think they'll enjoy the time with other kids and I'll enjoy a little time alone.

5)  This is a journey.  I don't know exactly where it will lead.  I'm taking it one year and one day at a time.  For now, homeschooling is working for us.  My kids love it, I'm enjoying it.  I had them tested by a friend who teaches in the graduate school of education at a local university and she said they are thriving.  They're both above grade level in reading and math.  It is a good fit for them.  People often ask me how long I'm going to homeschool or if we'll homeschool through high school.  I don't know.  I'm going to take it one year at a time.  If it keeps working for our family, we'll continue.  If it doesn't, we'll explore other options.

Personal space

A few years ago I signed up to participate in market research through a local company.  I was lured by the possibility of free diapers or free toys for the kids.  It seemed like it might be interesting a fun and some studies even paid decent money.  

As it turns out, I didn't qualify for most studies due to the fact that my husband works for a local appliance manufacturer and most studies seemed to revolve around me showing how I might use household appliances.  My daughter was invited to participate in one study where she gave her opinion about toys and toy advertisements (and ended up begging for half the toys she saw advertised!).  As a reward, she was given a $20 Polly Pocket toy that mounted to the wall.  She was thrilled.  I was not.

I hadn't heard much more from the market research people until recently when I received a screening survey.  This one didn't mention appliances and only asked about the personal hygiene products I use- deodorant, lotions, moisturizer, shampoos.  A couple of days after filling out the survey, I got a call telling me that I'd qualified for the study if I was interested in participating.  I was told that it would involve me filling out 3 surveys on the computer over the course of 3 days.  Then, the researchers would like to come to my house to see "where you store your personal care products."  I was told that they would take pictures of my bathroom cabinets (I secretly thanked the Kon Mari method for helping me organize and reduce the clutter in there a few weeks ago) and then follow me to the store to see how I shop for deodorant.

I suspected watching me at the store with 2 kids running crazy and trying to sneak M&Ms into the cart while I frantically grabbed the first deodorant that looked vaguely familiar was probably not what they had in mind.  I found childcare for the kids and agreed to do this.  The promise of $225 for completing this study and not having to go to the facility for a long and boring focus group were good incentives.

The thought of researchers viewing my bathroom, photographing my cabinets and linen closet and the watching me shop for deodorant was a bit disconcerting, though.  Even my closest friends haven't seen the inside of my bathroom cabinets.  Having conducted market research myself in the past, however, I felt assured that all data collected would be anonymous and they really weren't there to critique my housekeeping skills.

I logged on to their website and got my first survey.  It asked me to take a selfie.  Huh?  I did as requested and snapped a picture of myself as I was at that moment- sans makeup and wearing sweats.  Who really wants to see this?  Then, it said I should describe what they would see in that photo.  This just gets weirder and weirder.  I tried to justify my unkempt appearance explaining that this was a day when I wasn't planning on going out of the house or seeing anyone besides my kids and husband (I don't put on makeup just for my husband- a 1950s housewife I am not).  Then, I had to photograph all of the places in my home/bathroom where I keep personal care products I use when getting ready for the day- my shower, cabinets, drawers, etc.  I wondered why the researchers felt the need to come to my home if I was going to send them all of these pictures anyway.

The next activity was a journal activity.  I was to take pictures and "at least 1 video per day" of my life and then write about what I was doing and feeling at the time.  If it was a stressful experience, I was to tell what I did or what I usually do to deal with the stress.  I don't think "have a glass of Chardonnay" was what they had in mind.  How was this related to deodorant?  Was this for real?

I dutifully complied with the instructions and took a few photos of my kids, my dogs behaving badly, etc.  I wrote about how I took deep breaths and tried to think positive thoughts to calm myself during times of stress.  I realized that my life isn't really that stressful and most of the stress I experience is related to my children not wanting to do the fun educational activities I have planned for them.  I realized that, in times of stress, my first thought is rarely to reach for my phone and take a video.  I also wondered who was going to watch these videos and look at these photos and I wondered how bored they'd be.  Giving them access to my Facebook account might have been easier and just as interesting for them.

I reflected on what they might do with all of these photos and videos of my children and my dogs.  I started to expect Stanley Milgram to pop up and point out my blind compliance to those in a a position of authority.  I'm still not entirely sure that this isn't a social psychology study about our willingness to comply with those in authority when they ask us to do strange things.  I'm pretty sure the market research company doesn't do studies like that and I'm pretty sure that would have required an informed consent, however.

The researchers are coming to my house on Tuesday to complete the study.  This should be interesting.

Screen Time

One thing I've noticed about homeschooling is that is brings my parenting abilities into sharp focus.  I feel like everything I do as a parent is magnified because it is no longer diluted by their time with other adult teachers.  This can be a good thing, but, I fear, is also sometimes a bad thing.  I am not a perfect parent.  I secretly suspect no one is.  

Since I've started homeschooling, I find that I agonize over my parenting decisions much more than I did before.  This may make me a better parent, but I think it often paralyzes me with indecision.  Or, worse, I vacillate from one position to another and my children end up confused.  

Screen time and how/when we limit screen time has been one such parenting decision that has caused me a lot of angst.  Before, when the kids were in school, this was not a big problem.  Most days they weren't even home until after 3PM.  Often they had activities and homework in the evenings that kept them off screens.  It was pretty easy to set limits.  Honestly, I didn't really  have to impose limits because other activities automatically limited time they could spend on screens.  

Now that we are homeschooling, the kids are home most of the day many days of the week.   We do have activities and we try to take frequent field trips, but there is a lot more at-home time than there was before.  School work can be accomplished much faster when you aren't trying to teach 25+ students and don't have to stop to take everyone to the bathroom, etc.  Most days we're finished with school work by 1:00 at the latest.  This leaves long stretches of "free time" that my children often choose to fill by playing with iPads or video games.  

I waver back and forth in how I feel about this.  Maybe writing all this down will help me to sort through it!

Cons of screen time:
Conventional wisdom says that too much screen time is a bad thing.  Even my pediatrician asked at the kids' checkups if we limit screen time.  One big concern is that, if children are sitting in front of screens, they are not exercising, playing creatively, socializing with friends, talking with parents, etc.  Basically, the opportunity cost of screen time is that they are missing out on many other beneficial activities.  

Too much of anything is a bad thing in my opinion.   A few days ago, I introduced my daughter to Prodigy Game, an online math game that I was hoping would encourage her to practice math.  She became obsessed with it and played it for 5 hours straight the first day and about 3-4 hours the second day.  While I was glad she was practicing math and having fun doing it, I started to worry that she was neglecting other subjects.  

My biggest concern with screen time is that I think children learn best if they are allowed to be curious about the world around them and can then work with an adult to find answers to their questions.  Boredom leads to creativity and curiosity.  Always turning to a screen when one is bored never allows that boredom to set in and lead to creativity or curiosity.  A few days ago when I told my 5 year old son that screen time was over, he told me everything else in the world is boring.  That concerns me greatly.  Five is far too young to jaded.  

Pros of screen time:
This is what makes it difficult for me to feel 100% confident in setting limits on screen time.  I think there are many positives to screen time and many things kids learn from screen time.  

First off, not all screen time is created equal.  Passively watching a completely mindless TV show is much worse than playing a video game even if the game isn't educational.  At least a child's brain is engaged when playing a video game.  Also, watching educational TV shows or documentaries is a worthwhile pursuit while watching Spongebob Squarepants is probably not as worthwhile.  Even some of the non-educational shows at least use a wide vocabulary.  I've even used Pokemon to point out Latin and Greek roots of words that are used in the names of some of the Pokemon!  

Kids can learn many things from iPad and video games.  Some games are overtly educational and, of course, kids can learn math, science, reading, and spelling from those games.  Why not make learning as fun as possible?  My daughter had to practice math problems on IXL online last year for her Catholic school homework.  She hated it and it was like pulling teeth to get her to do it.  Just because it was online, that didn't hide the fact that it was basically a bunch of boring worksheets.  Since we discovered Prodigy Game for math last week, though, she has willingly completed 456 math problems in 3 days and I had to convince her to stop playing to eat and go to bed!  

Even games that are not strictly educational can teach many things, though.  My son has learned how to figure out new games very quickly.  He can often pick up a new game and start playing before I have even figured out the object of the game.  This skill will certainly transfer to other activities in life such as being able to figure out how to use new devices, electronics, or computers.  Both kids have learned perseverance.   Even when games get difficult, they keep trying to reach the next level or conquer the bad guy.  Many games have taught them math skills because they have to keep track of how many coins they've earned or used and calculate if they have enough to buy various tools in the game.  I think Minecraft is a wonderful educational tool.  It is like electronic Lego toys.  Lego without the mess!  My daughter recently started taking a class through  GamED Academy where they use Minecraft in the assignments.  She learns about a topic by watching videos and then the assignments require her to build things in Minecraft related to what she learned.  She loves it and it is a great way to reinforce what she's learning and check for comprehension.  

Video games can also improve hand-eye coordination and quick thinking ability and can have other benefits.  Recent studies have found that gaming has many benefits including stress relief and a reduction in players' tendency to bully others.  A 2009 study even found that certain video games can actually reduce impulsiveness (Dye, Green, & Bavelier).

There is one other benefit to screen time- one that makes me, and most parents, feel guilty.  Screens can be wonderful babysitters.  On days when I need to get something done around the house, make some phone calls, or just need a break, screens are awfully useful.  I really don't think we, as parents, should feel too guilty about this if it isn't happening all the time.  My kids are with me almost 24/7.  We do school stuff together most of the day, but come 3 or 4 (or sometimes a bit earlier) I would like a chance to relax and gather my thoughts for a bit.  I often give them permission to pull out the iPads and play for a while then.  It's definitely a benefit for MY mental health!  

So, there you have it.  The good and the bad of screens.  I don't think we need to vilify them.  There are many advantages to screen time.  Like most things, I think moderation is the key.  I'm implementing a rule where the kids are not allowed to use iPads for "mindless" games until after 3:00 and only then if they've done the following:  

1. completed all school work 
2. done something creative for at least 45 minutes 
3. exercised in some way for at least 30 minutes 
4. read (or been read to) for at least 30 minutes.  

The same rules apply to television except I might allow one mindless show in the morning before we start school, while we're all still waking up.  This seems like a happy medium. 

Until the Nursing Home Do Us Part

My parents are in their 80s and I recently had to move my father into a skilled nursing facility and my mother into the adjoining assisted living facility.  This was difficult for them and for me.  They have been married for almost 45 years and have never lived apart and rarely slept apart in those 45 years.  They have also come to depend on each other for many things- Mom dials the phone for Dad, Dad reminds Mom of things that she forgets, etc.  It breaks my heart that they have to be separated and can't stay in the same room.

Unfortunately, the current state of our senior care system requires my parents to live apart.  Because my father is no longer able to walk and requires someone to lift him into and out of his wheelchair, his care needs are too high for assisted living.  My mother, on the other hand, only needs assistance with remembering her medication and she likes to have someone stand by when she showers because she fears falling.  These minimal care needs do not qualify her to live in skilled nursing care.  They have long-term care insurance that covers a large portion of their expenses and it would not pay for mom to live in a level of care higher than what she needs.  Even if we were able to pay out of pocket for her to live in skilled care with Dad, she would not be allowed to live in the same room because she would not be Medicare qualified for that room and both residents must qualify!  If you're confused by this, you're starting to sense our frustration.

It seems like this system is based on antiquated views of the elderly from a time when most men died before entering nursing homes and most nursing home residents were widows.  Now that men are living much longer and many couples are aging together and entering long-term care together, I foresee that this will be a problem for more and more people.  One facility even told me they only have two rooms where couples can live together and they have a waiting list for those rooms.

We chose a facility for Mom and Dad where they had both assisted living and skilled nursing in the same building so that my parents could spend most of their days together.  Mom and Dad are both blind (This is not new, though.  See my last post for details on that.) so Mom needed someone to take her over to visit Dad.  The facility assured us that it would be no problem for them to walk Mom over to visit Dad each day.  I assumed they would only have to sleep apart and, while my parents were not happy about even that separation, it was good that they could still be together most of the day.  Unfortunately, I didn't realize that yet more regulations would conspire to make this difficult.

Soon after they moved in, we found out that Dad is not allowed to visit Mom or share meals with her on the assisted living side.  To be, even as a visitor, on the assisted living side, you must be able to "self-evacuate" from the building.  Because Dad is both blind and in a wheelchair, he cannot do that.  Because Mom is blind, she can't help him evacuate so she can't be considered his escort when he's on her side.

So, Mom started visiting Dad on his side each day.  Usually, the staff from her side would take her over around 10AM and she'd stay until about 8PM when they took her back to her room.  It wasn't ideal, but Mom and Dad adjusted and were pretty happy with the arrangement.  Of course, it seems things are rarely easy with senior care.

The next issue we faced was the staff's complaint that Mom occasionally asked for help when she was visiting on Dad's side.   Even though the skilled care and assisted living are part of the same parent company and even though they are in different halls of the same building, they are still considered to be separate facilities.  They each have their own staff and Dad's staff can't/won't do anything for Mom and Mom's staff can't/won't do anything for Dad.  Mom is considered a visitor when she's on Dad's side rather than a resident of the same facility.  Mom and Dad denied that Mom ever asked for help for herself on Dad's side, but the staff insisted otherwise.

Then one afternoon I got a call saying that Mom had fallen in Dad's bathroom.  A nurse had come to give Dad medication and she had left an open glass of water sitting on Dad's nightstand.  Mom was concerned that Dad would spill the water, so she took it upon herself to take it to the sink and throw it out.  Because she had a glass of water in one hand, she couldn't feel her way to the sink as well as usual and she tripped over the lip of Dad's shower.  After that, they started restricting Mom's visits.  They told her they needed to observe her for 72 hours, but she said their "observation" consisted of her being stuck alone in her room most of the day.  After a few days, they started taking her over to visit for longer periods of time, but they still weren't letting her stay all day as she had been doing.  They never called me to discuss this change.

My husband and I then asked for a joint meeting between us and the staff from both the skilled care and the assisted living sides.  We had unresolved billing issues and also wanted to discuss a better plan for Mom to visit Dad.  In the course of this meeting,  the social worker from the skilled side insisted that Mom could no longer visit Dad without a "sitter."  She said Mom could not even go to meals with Dad without a "sitter" present in case she had to be taken to the bathroom.  This new requirement/restriction was a huge surprise to us and a huge blow to my parents.  Caregivers are not inexpensive, so my parents now had to make a financial decision and trade-off.  They are hesitant to spend a lot of money because they have a fixed income and don't want to run out of funds.  Yet, now they had to determine how much money they could spend to be allowed to spend time together.  For a couple who has been married almost 45 years, this was very difficult.

I was, and still am, appalled by the situation in which my parents find themselves.  I am working now to find a different facility that will be more accommodating in allowing them to spend time together.  I am saddened by the lack of empathy shown by the staff, especially the social worker whose job is to advocate for the well-being of the residents.

I think much of this comes down to larger problems in our long-term care system.  There are really no facilities where spouses with differing care needs can continue to share a room.  There are very few facilities where they can even be in the same building.  There are only a few levels of long term care available:

• Independent living-  this is really no care at all but usually involves living in an apartment or patio home that is near a facility where they may go for meals or socializing and activities.  
• Assisted living- this involves some assistance such as medication reminders, bathing assistance, or escorts to and from the bathroom.  At this level residents usually live in their own rooms or apartments in a larger facility and meals are provided in a communal dining room.  The facility also provides activities for the residents.  
• Personal Care- this is very similar to assisted living, but there are nurses on staff and on duty at all times.  They are licensed to administer medication to residents.  At this level of care, they can also handle things such as wound care, diabetic blood testing, and that sort of thing.  Residents must be able to self-evacuate from a building in case of emergency at this level.  They also must be able to transfer (to and from a wheelchair) with only a one person assist.  
• Skilled Nursing Care- this is the highest level of care. 

Also, much of the staff at many facilities, even the management-level staff, dehumanizes and infantilizes the elderly.  They don't seem to respect them as human beings who have something to offer and who have a lifetime of wisdom.  In the conference we had to discuss my parents' care, the social worker talked about "toileting" them on a schedule.  It sounded like something you'd do with a dog you were housebreaking, not a human being.  My father also recently complained that he'd called a staff member in to take him to the restroom, but he was told that they couldn't take him because it was shift change.  Because of their refusal to take him to the restroom, he had an accident.  No one should be treated that way.

In case you're wondering.  I am in the process of finding a new facility for my parents.  I would love to get them out of there immediately, but I need to find another place that has two openings.  I also need to make sure that whatever new facility I choose will be better than this one.  I'd hate to move them again only to run into problems and have to move them yet again.  Each move is difficult and involves many adjustments- getting to know new staff and procedures as well as, for my mom, learning her way around new surroundings.  I am just hoping and praying that the next facility will be a pleasant and compassionate place where my parents can enjoy living.