One comment I hear quite often after telling people that I homeschool my two children is "I could never homeschool my kids!" This is usually followed by comments about how they lack patience and would "kill" their children if they tried homeschooling. Sometimes this is also followed by comments about how they wouldn't know how to homeschool or they aren't qualified to homeschool.
I completely understand that many people do not feel that homeschooling is the right decision for their family. I think the wonderful thing is that everyone is able to choose for themselves what they feel is best for their child and their family. Don't, however, say that you can't homeschool. It just isn't true.
All parents are homeschoolers. When our children are young, we encourage their first words, we read to them, we hold their hand as they take their first toddling steps. We point out things in the world around us. We have conversations with them. For some reason, though, once a child reaches 5 or 6, we suddenly come to believe that we are no longer qualified to teach them. That task becomes the purview of certified teachers. We ignore the fact that these teachers don't really know our children, that we are often unhappy with how our children are taught in school, that the teacher is responsible for teaching 20+ children, and that our children are only in school for about 6 hours per day (much of which is spent lining up, dealing with discipline issues, etc.). We have been told that school age children should be taught in a school and that only uniquely qualified people can teach.
In college, professors are not required to have any training in teaching. They are highly educated in their fields, but they have no training in educating others. As a result, some college professors are wonderful teachers and others are not. In my experience, I found that the ones who were the best were the ones who were truly interested in their students and took the time to really get to know them as people and then made the material relevant to them. Isn't that something that parents inherently do? Why is it that we don't think college professors need any training in education while elementary teachers do? Why is it that many believe that parents aren't as qualified as a college professor to teach? Parents usually know and understand their children better than anyone else does. They are uniquely qualified to teach in a way that is meaningful and memorable for their children.
Others have told me that they wouldn't know how to teach or what material to cover. This was one of my concerns when I first started homeschooling. I addressed this by purchasing a boxed curriculum package. I used a curriculum called BookShark. I ordered it online and the large box arrived at my door a week later. It included all of the required books and, best of all, a binder containing a day-by-day schedule of exactly what books to read and material to cover. All I had to do was follow their plan and check off what we completed. I knew, if we covered the prescribed material, we would have covered everything that my children would have covered in school that year. I ended up branching off from BookShark and tailoring my own curriculum after a couple of months, but that's another topic for another post. If you're nervous about covering what is necessary to keep your child on grade level, you can simply buy a curriculum and follow it.
Another concern that I hear even more often is that parents don't believe they are patient enough to homeschool their children. I'm here to tell you that I am not a very patient person and I have managed to homeschool my children for the last year without incident. Sure, some days they have tried my patience and I have yelled a bit. I feel bad about that, but I'm pretty certain I did no irreparable harm. Homeschooling has been a wonderful voyage of self-discovery for me. I have learned how to deal with frustration and how to look at the long-range view. I have learned that, if they are restless, unmotivated, and distracted, we can usually take a break and they will focus better later. I have learned that flexibility is key and I need to let go of some of my control-freak nature.
I've also learned that one reason parents have such a hard time believing that they could survive homeschooling is that they are currently only with their children after school, on weekends, and during the summer. After school, most children are at their worst. They have been confined all day and forced to sit still and focus on boring material for most of the day. They have been somewhat stressed and bored all day. After school, they can finally relax and cut loose. If, they've finished their homework, that is. That is why homework becomes such a battle. My daughter was certainly DONE with school work by the time she came home each day last year. She didn't want to deal with even 30 minutes more sitting still and doing work. I couldn't blame her.
The struggle you face getting your child to do homework is nothing like homeschooling. Homework must be done in the evening when a child has already been sitting still and focusing all day at school. Homework is the obstacle keeping them from relaxing and unwinding at the end of the day. Most homework is or feels like busy work rather than meaningful learning. I also found that homework was often confusing even to me. The directions were often unclear and, since I wasn't the teacher, I didn't know what to tell my daughter to do. When you are the teacher, you get to decide how the assignments will be completed. You also get to decide when your child has done enough and you don't have to force them to complete 30 practice math problems because some of the 25 children in her class need extra practice.
Weekends and summer are another time when non-homeschooling parents are with their children and are sometimes at their wits end. Again, this does not reflect how homeschooling would be. Weekends and summers tend to be unstructured free time. Personally, I've found that we do much better when there is some structure to our days. We need a daily plan. Left to figure it out for themselves, my children usually either spend too much time in front of screens, making me feel guilty, or they endlessly bug me to tell them how to amuse themselves. When we homeschool, we have a daily plan. They have certain tasks to complete each day and I usually have some time built in when I can get things done on my own while they are otherwise occupied. We have time when I am totally focused on them so that, later, they are usually happy to have some time to themselves.
Homeschooling isn't always easy, but it isn't as hard as you might think. I am not an overly patient person. I am not specially trained in education. I am, like nearly all parents, just passionate about ensuring that each of my children has the best childhood and the best educational experience possible. For me, the best way to do that for my children is through homeschooling. Others might feel that the best way to do that is to send their children to school. Either is a fine choice. Just don't tell me you couldn't homeschool.
Addendum: I do realize that some people are unable to homeschool because they are required to work long hours and need the childcare provided by school. I want to be clear that I'm not referring to being unable to homeschool for such reasons. I just wanted to point out that any parent who really wants to, has the ability to homeschool in terms of patience and qualifications.
Saturday, April 23, 2016
Monday, March 28, 2016
One year down!
Last week we completed our required number of instructional days for homeschooling. We started at the beginning of last summer and took several breaks throughout the year so we're finishing our school year about 2 months ahead of the local schools. I don't plan on stopping the learning, but I will probably be a bit more relaxed about it for the next couple of months since I don't have to stress over fitting in the required days before the end of the year. It is a good feeling.
Now that I have one year of homeschooling under my belt, I can reflect on what I've learned. I've learned a lot- maybe even more than the kids did!
1) I learned that it's OK to change course and adapt as needed. I started the year nervous and I decided to buy a boxed curriculum to guide me. I bought one called BookShark- the secular version of Sonlight, a respected curriculum that's been around for quite a while. It is a great program that provides a lot of guidance. Each week it outlined exactly what we should do for each subject- books to read, science experiments to conduct, worksheets to complete. It made me feel safe and secure. That was great for exactly 7 weeks.
Then, at week 7 we were supposed to read a book that the kids really didn't like. I really didn't like it. So, I picked out another classic children's book to read instead. This, then, impacted the worksheets and some of the other assignments we were supposed to do, so I changed those. I also decided that I didn't like the assigned history book, so I picked something else. The writing assignments were boring to my daughter, so I changed that to something she found more interesting. Soon, I found I wasn't really following the BookShark program at all. I was using the subjects and the amount of material to complete each day as a guide, but that was about it. I kept thinking we'd return to following BookShark eventually, but we never did.
BookShark is a great program and it's perfect for anyone who wants to be told what to do and needs some guidance in homeschooling their kids. I definitely needed that in the beginning. Eventually, though, it became too restrictive for us. One of the huge benefits of homeschooling is the ability to tailor the curriculum to your child's ability and interests. If you use a boxed curriculum and follow it exactly, you lose that ability to a great extent.
2) Homeschooling does not need to look like school. In fact, it's usually better when it doesn't. Just because it doesn't look like school, doesn't mean it's not educational. When we first started the year, I thought school days had to look like, well, school. I set up a classroom in our house with desks, a whiteboard, a map of the world, etc. Soon, though, we were taking nature hikes and I realized the kids were learning more on those hikes by observing bugs, plants, and animals (and sometimes looking them up on my phone to get more information) than they were learning sitting in our classroom reading a science book. I even started to see learning taking place while they were playing video games or Minecraft. My 5 year old son started to learn fractions while playing Pikmin 3 on the Wii U. My 7 year old daughter greatly improved her spelling, reading, and typing skills playing Minecraft with other kids through GamED Academy. She also took some courses through GamED where she'd do a weekly learn and then a related build activity. The build activities helped to really cement what she'd learned. Minecraft, I discovered, can be a great tool for learning.
3) The relationship is more important than the lesson. Or, maybe the relationship is the lesson some days. What I mean is that sometimes we hit a brick wall. My kids couldn't sit still, didn't feel like learning what I had planned, or they just struggled to complete an assignment. At first, I felt like I had to force them to sit still, pay attention, and learn. After all, in regular school they'd have to do that, wouldn't they? I quickly learned that I could force them to sort of sit still and be quiet, but you can't really force someone to pay attention or to learn. Some days, it just wasn't worth the fight. It wasn't worth hurting our relationship. Some days it made sense to focus more on our relationship and doing things we enjoyed doing together. Usually, if I let go of a difficult subject and returned to it in a few hours or the next day, things went much better. Some days, my kids just weren't in the mood to concentrate on math and that was ok. Some may disagree and say that, as adults, we have to learn to do onerous work even when we're not in the mood. I agree. As adults, however, we do those onerous tasks because we see the ultimate value in doing them (even if that's just that we get to keep our job). Kids don't have that same type of view of the long-term reward. It is a lesson they'll learn over time, but elementary age is not the time. Learning happens much faster and is much more joyful when kids are in the right frame of mind to accomplish it.
4) I don't want to do this alone. Maybe I could do this alone, but I can definitely do it better with others. This year, I've joined several different homeschool groups in the area. We've participated in group field trips, playdates, and various homeschool classes. It is more fun for all of us to share these activities. Next year, I'm going to enroll them in a cottage school one day a week. A cottage school is a non-accredited school where homeschooled kids can take classes to enrich and supplement what they are doing at home. So, one day a week my kids will take classes in art, literature, Spanish, and science. One day a week, I'll have some free time to run errands without kids, go to appointments for myself, etc. I think they'll enjoy the time with other kids and I'll enjoy a little time alone.
5) This is a journey. I don't know exactly where it will lead. I'm taking it one year and one day at a time. For now, homeschooling is working for us. My kids love it, I'm enjoying it. I had them tested by a friend who teaches in the graduate school of education at a local university and she said they are thriving. They're both above grade level in reading and math. It is a good fit for them. People often ask me how long I'm going to homeschool or if we'll homeschool through high school. I don't know. I'm going to take it one year at a time. If it keeps working for our family, we'll continue. If it doesn't, we'll explore other options.
Now that I have one year of homeschooling under my belt, I can reflect on what I've learned. I've learned a lot- maybe even more than the kids did!
1) I learned that it's OK to change course and adapt as needed. I started the year nervous and I decided to buy a boxed curriculum to guide me. I bought one called BookShark- the secular version of Sonlight, a respected curriculum that's been around for quite a while. It is a great program that provides a lot of guidance. Each week it outlined exactly what we should do for each subject- books to read, science experiments to conduct, worksheets to complete. It made me feel safe and secure. That was great for exactly 7 weeks.
Then, at week 7 we were supposed to read a book that the kids really didn't like. I really didn't like it. So, I picked out another classic children's book to read instead. This, then, impacted the worksheets and some of the other assignments we were supposed to do, so I changed those. I also decided that I didn't like the assigned history book, so I picked something else. The writing assignments were boring to my daughter, so I changed that to something she found more interesting. Soon, I found I wasn't really following the BookShark program at all. I was using the subjects and the amount of material to complete each day as a guide, but that was about it. I kept thinking we'd return to following BookShark eventually, but we never did.
BookShark is a great program and it's perfect for anyone who wants to be told what to do and needs some guidance in homeschooling their kids. I definitely needed that in the beginning. Eventually, though, it became too restrictive for us. One of the huge benefits of homeschooling is the ability to tailor the curriculum to your child's ability and interests. If you use a boxed curriculum and follow it exactly, you lose that ability to a great extent.
2) Homeschooling does not need to look like school. In fact, it's usually better when it doesn't. Just because it doesn't look like school, doesn't mean it's not educational. When we first started the year, I thought school days had to look like, well, school. I set up a classroom in our house with desks, a whiteboard, a map of the world, etc. Soon, though, we were taking nature hikes and I realized the kids were learning more on those hikes by observing bugs, plants, and animals (and sometimes looking them up on my phone to get more information) than they were learning sitting in our classroom reading a science book. I even started to see learning taking place while they were playing video games or Minecraft. My 5 year old son started to learn fractions while playing Pikmin 3 on the Wii U. My 7 year old daughter greatly improved her spelling, reading, and typing skills playing Minecraft with other kids through GamED Academy. She also took some courses through GamED where she'd do a weekly learn and then a related build activity. The build activities helped to really cement what she'd learned. Minecraft, I discovered, can be a great tool for learning.
3) The relationship is more important than the lesson. Or, maybe the relationship is the lesson some days. What I mean is that sometimes we hit a brick wall. My kids couldn't sit still, didn't feel like learning what I had planned, or they just struggled to complete an assignment. At first, I felt like I had to force them to sit still, pay attention, and learn. After all, in regular school they'd have to do that, wouldn't they? I quickly learned that I could force them to sort of sit still and be quiet, but you can't really force someone to pay attention or to learn. Some days, it just wasn't worth the fight. It wasn't worth hurting our relationship. Some days it made sense to focus more on our relationship and doing things we enjoyed doing together. Usually, if I let go of a difficult subject and returned to it in a few hours or the next day, things went much better. Some days, my kids just weren't in the mood to concentrate on math and that was ok. Some may disagree and say that, as adults, we have to learn to do onerous work even when we're not in the mood. I agree. As adults, however, we do those onerous tasks because we see the ultimate value in doing them (even if that's just that we get to keep our job). Kids don't have that same type of view of the long-term reward. It is a lesson they'll learn over time, but elementary age is not the time. Learning happens much faster and is much more joyful when kids are in the right frame of mind to accomplish it.
4) I don't want to do this alone. Maybe I could do this alone, but I can definitely do it better with others. This year, I've joined several different homeschool groups in the area. We've participated in group field trips, playdates, and various homeschool classes. It is more fun for all of us to share these activities. Next year, I'm going to enroll them in a cottage school one day a week. A cottage school is a non-accredited school where homeschooled kids can take classes to enrich and supplement what they are doing at home. So, one day a week my kids will take classes in art, literature, Spanish, and science. One day a week, I'll have some free time to run errands without kids, go to appointments for myself, etc. I think they'll enjoy the time with other kids and I'll enjoy a little time alone.
5) This is a journey. I don't know exactly where it will lead. I'm taking it one year and one day at a time. For now, homeschooling is working for us. My kids love it, I'm enjoying it. I had them tested by a friend who teaches in the graduate school of education at a local university and she said they are thriving. They're both above grade level in reading and math. It is a good fit for them. People often ask me how long I'm going to homeschool or if we'll homeschool through high school. I don't know. I'm going to take it one year at a time. If it keeps working for our family, we'll continue. If it doesn't, we'll explore other options.
Saturday, February 27, 2016
Personal space
A few years ago I signed up to participate in market research through a local company. I was lured by the possibility of free diapers or free toys for the kids. It seemed like it might be interesting a fun and some studies even paid decent money.
As it turns out, I didn't qualify for most studies due to the fact that my husband works for a local appliance manufacturer and most studies seemed to revolve around me showing how I might use household appliances. My daughter was invited to participate in one study where she gave her opinion about toys and toy advertisements (and ended up begging for half the toys she saw advertised!). As a reward, she was given a $20 Polly Pocket toy that mounted to the wall. She was thrilled. I was not.
I hadn't heard much more from the market research people until recently when I received a screening survey. This one didn't mention appliances and only asked about the personal hygiene products I use- deodorant, lotions, moisturizer, shampoos. A couple of days after filling out the survey, I got a call telling me that I'd qualified for the study if I was interested in participating. I was told that it would involve me filling out 3 surveys on the computer over the course of 3 days. Then, the researchers would like to come to my house to see "where you store your personal care products." I was told that they would take pictures of my bathroom cabinets (I secretly thanked the Kon Mari method for helping me organize and reduce the clutter in there a few weeks ago) and then follow me to the store to see how I shop for deodorant.
I suspected watching me at the store with 2 kids running crazy and trying to sneak M&Ms into the cart while I frantically grabbed the first deodorant that looked vaguely familiar was probably not what they had in mind. I found childcare for the kids and agreed to do this. The promise of $225 for completing this study and not having to go to the facility for a long and boring focus group were good incentives.
The thought of researchers viewing my bathroom, photographing my cabinets and linen closet and the watching me shop for deodorant was a bit disconcerting, though. Even my closest friends haven't seen the inside of my bathroom cabinets. Having conducted market research myself in the past, however, I felt assured that all data collected would be anonymous and they really weren't there to critique my housekeeping skills.
I logged on to their website and got my first survey. It asked me to take a selfie. Huh? I did as requested and snapped a picture of myself as I was at that moment- sans makeup and wearing sweats. Who really wants to see this? Then, it said I should describe what they would see in that photo. This just gets weirder and weirder. I tried to justify my unkempt appearance explaining that this was a day when I wasn't planning on going out of the house or seeing anyone besides my kids and husband (I don't put on makeup just for my husband- a 1950s housewife I am not). Then, I had to photograph all of the places in my home/bathroom where I keep personal care products I use when getting ready for the day- my shower, cabinets, drawers, etc. I wondered why the researchers felt the need to come to my home if I was going to send them all of these pictures anyway.
The next activity was a journal activity. I was to take pictures and "at least 1 video per day" of my life and then write about what I was doing and feeling at the time. If it was a stressful experience, I was to tell what I did or what I usually do to deal with the stress. I don't think "have a glass of Chardonnay" was what they had in mind. How was this related to deodorant? Was this for real?
I dutifully complied with the instructions and took a few photos of my kids, my dogs behaving badly, etc. I wrote about how I took deep breaths and tried to think positive thoughts to calm myself during times of stress. I realized that my life isn't really that stressful and most of the stress I experience is related to my children not wanting to do the fun educational activities I have planned for them. I realized that, in times of stress, my first thought is rarely to reach for my phone and take a video. I also wondered who was going to watch these videos and look at these photos and I wondered how bored they'd be. Giving them access to my Facebook account might have been easier and just as interesting for them.
I reflected on what they might do with all of these photos and videos of my children and my dogs. I started to expect Stanley Milgram to pop up and point out my blind compliance to those in a a position of authority. I'm still not entirely sure that this isn't a social psychology study about our willingness to comply with those in authority when they ask us to do strange things. I'm pretty sure the market research company doesn't do studies like that and I'm pretty sure that would have required an informed consent, however.
The researchers are coming to my house on Tuesday to complete the study. This should be interesting.
As it turns out, I didn't qualify for most studies due to the fact that my husband works for a local appliance manufacturer and most studies seemed to revolve around me showing how I might use household appliances. My daughter was invited to participate in one study where she gave her opinion about toys and toy advertisements (and ended up begging for half the toys she saw advertised!). As a reward, she was given a $20 Polly Pocket toy that mounted to the wall. She was thrilled. I was not.
I hadn't heard much more from the market research people until recently when I received a screening survey. This one didn't mention appliances and only asked about the personal hygiene products I use- deodorant, lotions, moisturizer, shampoos. A couple of days after filling out the survey, I got a call telling me that I'd qualified for the study if I was interested in participating. I was told that it would involve me filling out 3 surveys on the computer over the course of 3 days. Then, the researchers would like to come to my house to see "where you store your personal care products." I was told that they would take pictures of my bathroom cabinets (I secretly thanked the Kon Mari method for helping me organize and reduce the clutter in there a few weeks ago) and then follow me to the store to see how I shop for deodorant.
I suspected watching me at the store with 2 kids running crazy and trying to sneak M&Ms into the cart while I frantically grabbed the first deodorant that looked vaguely familiar was probably not what they had in mind. I found childcare for the kids and agreed to do this. The promise of $225 for completing this study and not having to go to the facility for a long and boring focus group were good incentives.
The thought of researchers viewing my bathroom, photographing my cabinets and linen closet and the watching me shop for deodorant was a bit disconcerting, though. Even my closest friends haven't seen the inside of my bathroom cabinets. Having conducted market research myself in the past, however, I felt assured that all data collected would be anonymous and they really weren't there to critique my housekeeping skills.
I logged on to their website and got my first survey. It asked me to take a selfie. Huh? I did as requested and snapped a picture of myself as I was at that moment- sans makeup and wearing sweats. Who really wants to see this? Then, it said I should describe what they would see in that photo. This just gets weirder and weirder. I tried to justify my unkempt appearance explaining that this was a day when I wasn't planning on going out of the house or seeing anyone besides my kids and husband (I don't put on makeup just for my husband- a 1950s housewife I am not). Then, I had to photograph all of the places in my home/bathroom where I keep personal care products I use when getting ready for the day- my shower, cabinets, drawers, etc. I wondered why the researchers felt the need to come to my home if I was going to send them all of these pictures anyway.
The next activity was a journal activity. I was to take pictures and "at least 1 video per day" of my life and then write about what I was doing and feeling at the time. If it was a stressful experience, I was to tell what I did or what I usually do to deal with the stress. I don't think "have a glass of Chardonnay" was what they had in mind. How was this related to deodorant? Was this for real?
I dutifully complied with the instructions and took a few photos of my kids, my dogs behaving badly, etc. I wrote about how I took deep breaths and tried to think positive thoughts to calm myself during times of stress. I realized that my life isn't really that stressful and most of the stress I experience is related to my children not wanting to do the fun educational activities I have planned for them. I realized that, in times of stress, my first thought is rarely to reach for my phone and take a video. I also wondered who was going to watch these videos and look at these photos and I wondered how bored they'd be. Giving them access to my Facebook account might have been easier and just as interesting for them.
I reflected on what they might do with all of these photos and videos of my children and my dogs. I started to expect Stanley Milgram to pop up and point out my blind compliance to those in a a position of authority. I'm still not entirely sure that this isn't a social psychology study about our willingness to comply with those in authority when they ask us to do strange things. I'm pretty sure the market research company doesn't do studies like that and I'm pretty sure that would have required an informed consent, however.
The researchers are coming to my house on Tuesday to complete the study. This should be interesting.
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Screen Time
One thing I've noticed about homeschooling is that is brings my parenting abilities into sharp focus. I feel like everything I do as a parent is magnified because it is no longer diluted by their time with other adult teachers. This can be a good thing, but, I fear, is also sometimes a bad thing. I am not a perfect parent. I secretly suspect no one is.
Since I've started homeschooling, I find that I agonize over my parenting decisions much more than I did before. This may make me a better parent, but I think it often paralyzes me with indecision. Or, worse, I vacillate from one position to another and my children end up confused.
Screen time and how/when we limit screen time has been one such parenting decision that has caused me a lot of angst. Before, when the kids were in school, this was not a big problem. Most days they weren't even home until after 3PM. Often they had activities and homework in the evenings that kept them off screens. It was pretty easy to set limits. Honestly, I didn't really have to impose limits because other activities automatically limited time they could spend on screens.
Now that we are homeschooling, the kids are home most of the day many days of the week. We do have activities and we try to take frequent field trips, but there is a lot more at-home time than there was before. School work can be accomplished much faster when you aren't trying to teach 25+ students and don't have to stop to take everyone to the bathroom, etc. Most days we're finished with school work by 1:00 at the latest. This leaves long stretches of "free time" that my children often choose to fill by playing with iPads or video games.
I waver back and forth in how I feel about this. Maybe writing all this down will help me to sort through it!
Cons of screen time:
Conventional wisdom says that too much screen time is a bad thing. Even my pediatrician asked at the kids' checkups if we limit screen time. One big concern is that, if children are sitting in front of screens, they are not exercising, playing creatively, socializing with friends, talking with parents, etc. Basically, the opportunity cost of screen time is that they are missing out on many other beneficial activities.
Too much of anything is a bad thing in my opinion. A few days ago, I introduced my daughter to Prodigy Game, an online math game that I was hoping would encourage her to practice math. She became obsessed with it and played it for 5 hours straight the first day and about 3-4 hours the second day. While I was glad she was practicing math and having fun doing it, I started to worry that she was neglecting other subjects.
My biggest concern with screen time is that I think children learn best if they are allowed to be curious about the world around them and can then work with an adult to find answers to their questions. Boredom leads to creativity and curiosity. Always turning to a screen when one is bored never allows that boredom to set in and lead to creativity or curiosity. A few days ago when I told my 5 year old son that screen time was over, he told me everything else in the world is boring. That concerns me greatly. Five is far too young to jaded.
Pros of screen time:
This is what makes it difficult for me to feel 100% confident in setting limits on screen time. I think there are many positives to screen time and many things kids learn from screen time.
First off, not all screen time is created equal. Passively watching a completely mindless TV show is much worse than playing a video game even if the game isn't educational. At least a child's brain is engaged when playing a video game. Also, watching educational TV shows or documentaries is a worthwhile pursuit while watching Spongebob Squarepants is probably not as worthwhile. Even some of the non-educational shows at least use a wide vocabulary. I've even used Pokemon to point out Latin and Greek roots of words that are used in the names of some of the Pokemon!
Kids can learn many things from iPad and video games. Some games are overtly educational and, of course, kids can learn math, science, reading, and spelling from those games. Why not make learning as fun as possible? My daughter had to practice math problems on IXL online last year for her Catholic school homework. She hated it and it was like pulling teeth to get her to do it. Just because it was online, that didn't hide the fact that it was basically a bunch of boring worksheets. Since we discovered Prodigy Game for math last week, though, she has willingly completed 456 math problems in 3 days and I had to convince her to stop playing to eat and go to bed!
Even games that are not strictly educational can teach many things, though. My son has learned how to figure out new games very quickly. He can often pick up a new game and start playing before I have even figured out the object of the game. This skill will certainly transfer to other activities in life such as being able to figure out how to use new devices, electronics, or computers. Both kids have learned perseverance. Even when games get difficult, they keep trying to reach the next level or conquer the bad guy. Many games have taught them math skills because they have to keep track of how many coins they've earned or used and calculate if they have enough to buy various tools in the game. I think Minecraft is a wonderful educational tool. It is like electronic Lego toys. Lego without the mess! My daughter recently started taking a class through GamED Academy where they use Minecraft in the assignments. She learns about a topic by watching videos and then the assignments require her to build things in Minecraft related to what she learned. She loves it and it is a great way to reinforce what she's learning and check for comprehension.
Video games can also improve hand-eye coordination and quick thinking ability and can have other benefits. Recent studies have found that gaming has many benefits including stress relief and a reduction in players' tendency to bully others. A 2009 study even found that certain video games can actually reduce impulsiveness (Dye, Green, & Bavelier).
There is one other benefit to screen time- one that makes me, and most parents, feel guilty. Screens can be wonderful babysitters. On days when I need to get something done around the house, make some phone calls, or just need a break, screens are awfully useful. I really don't think we, as parents, should feel too guilty about this if it isn't happening all the time. My kids are with me almost 24/7. We do school stuff together most of the day, but come 3 or 4 (or sometimes a bit earlier) I would like a chance to relax and gather my thoughts for a bit. I often give them permission to pull out the iPads and play for a while then. It's definitely a benefit for MY mental health!
So, there you have it. The good and the bad of screens. I don't think we need to vilify them. There are many advantages to screen time. Like most things, I think moderation is the key. I'm implementing a rule where the kids are not allowed to use iPads for "mindless" games until after 3:00 and only then if they've done the following:
Since I've started homeschooling, I find that I agonize over my parenting decisions much more than I did before. This may make me a better parent, but I think it often paralyzes me with indecision. Or, worse, I vacillate from one position to another and my children end up confused.
Screen time and how/when we limit screen time has been one such parenting decision that has caused me a lot of angst. Before, when the kids were in school, this was not a big problem. Most days they weren't even home until after 3PM. Often they had activities and homework in the evenings that kept them off screens. It was pretty easy to set limits. Honestly, I didn't really have to impose limits because other activities automatically limited time they could spend on screens.
Now that we are homeschooling, the kids are home most of the day many days of the week. We do have activities and we try to take frequent field trips, but there is a lot more at-home time than there was before. School work can be accomplished much faster when you aren't trying to teach 25+ students and don't have to stop to take everyone to the bathroom, etc. Most days we're finished with school work by 1:00 at the latest. This leaves long stretches of "free time" that my children often choose to fill by playing with iPads or video games.
I waver back and forth in how I feel about this. Maybe writing all this down will help me to sort through it!
Cons of screen time:
Conventional wisdom says that too much screen time is a bad thing. Even my pediatrician asked at the kids' checkups if we limit screen time. One big concern is that, if children are sitting in front of screens, they are not exercising, playing creatively, socializing with friends, talking with parents, etc. Basically, the opportunity cost of screen time is that they are missing out on many other beneficial activities.
Too much of anything is a bad thing in my opinion. A few days ago, I introduced my daughter to Prodigy Game, an online math game that I was hoping would encourage her to practice math. She became obsessed with it and played it for 5 hours straight the first day and about 3-4 hours the second day. While I was glad she was practicing math and having fun doing it, I started to worry that she was neglecting other subjects.
My biggest concern with screen time is that I think children learn best if they are allowed to be curious about the world around them and can then work with an adult to find answers to their questions. Boredom leads to creativity and curiosity. Always turning to a screen when one is bored never allows that boredom to set in and lead to creativity or curiosity. A few days ago when I told my 5 year old son that screen time was over, he told me everything else in the world is boring. That concerns me greatly. Five is far too young to jaded.
Pros of screen time:
This is what makes it difficult for me to feel 100% confident in setting limits on screen time. I think there are many positives to screen time and many things kids learn from screen time.
First off, not all screen time is created equal. Passively watching a completely mindless TV show is much worse than playing a video game even if the game isn't educational. At least a child's brain is engaged when playing a video game. Also, watching educational TV shows or documentaries is a worthwhile pursuit while watching Spongebob Squarepants is probably not as worthwhile. Even some of the non-educational shows at least use a wide vocabulary. I've even used Pokemon to point out Latin and Greek roots of words that are used in the names of some of the Pokemon!
Kids can learn many things from iPad and video games. Some games are overtly educational and, of course, kids can learn math, science, reading, and spelling from those games. Why not make learning as fun as possible? My daughter had to practice math problems on IXL online last year for her Catholic school homework. She hated it and it was like pulling teeth to get her to do it. Just because it was online, that didn't hide the fact that it was basically a bunch of boring worksheets. Since we discovered Prodigy Game for math last week, though, she has willingly completed 456 math problems in 3 days and I had to convince her to stop playing to eat and go to bed!
Even games that are not strictly educational can teach many things, though. My son has learned how to figure out new games very quickly. He can often pick up a new game and start playing before I have even figured out the object of the game. This skill will certainly transfer to other activities in life such as being able to figure out how to use new devices, electronics, or computers. Both kids have learned perseverance. Even when games get difficult, they keep trying to reach the next level or conquer the bad guy. Many games have taught them math skills because they have to keep track of how many coins they've earned or used and calculate if they have enough to buy various tools in the game. I think Minecraft is a wonderful educational tool. It is like electronic Lego toys. Lego without the mess! My daughter recently started taking a class through GamED Academy where they use Minecraft in the assignments. She learns about a topic by watching videos and then the assignments require her to build things in Minecraft related to what she learned. She loves it and it is a great way to reinforce what she's learning and check for comprehension.
Video games can also improve hand-eye coordination and quick thinking ability and can have other benefits. Recent studies have found that gaming has many benefits including stress relief and a reduction in players' tendency to bully others. A 2009 study even found that certain video games can actually reduce impulsiveness (Dye, Green, & Bavelier).
There is one other benefit to screen time- one that makes me, and most parents, feel guilty. Screens can be wonderful babysitters. On days when I need to get something done around the house, make some phone calls, or just need a break, screens are awfully useful. I really don't think we, as parents, should feel too guilty about this if it isn't happening all the time. My kids are with me almost 24/7. We do school stuff together most of the day, but come 3 or 4 (or sometimes a bit earlier) I would like a chance to relax and gather my thoughts for a bit. I often give them permission to pull out the iPads and play for a while then. It's definitely a benefit for MY mental health!
So, there you have it. The good and the bad of screens. I don't think we need to vilify them. There are many advantages to screen time. Like most things, I think moderation is the key. I'm implementing a rule where the kids are not allowed to use iPads for "mindless" games until after 3:00 and only then if they've done the following:
- completed all school work
- done something creative for at least 45 minutes
- exercised in some way for at least 30 minutes
- read (or been read to) for at least 30 minutes.
Monday, February 1, 2016
Until the Nursing Home Do Us Part
My parents are in their 80s and I recently had to move my father into a skilled nursing facility and my mother into the adjoining assisted living facility. This was difficult for them and for me. They have been married for almost 45 years and have never lived apart and rarely slept apart in those 45 years. They have also come to depend on each other for many things- Mom dials the phone for Dad, Dad reminds Mom of things that she forgets, etc. It breaks my heart that they have to be separated and can't stay in the same room.
Unfortunately, the current state of our senior care system requires my parents to live apart. Because my father is no longer able to walk and requires someone to lift him into and out of his wheelchair, his care needs are too high for assisted living. My mother, on the other hand, only needs assistance with remembering her medication and she likes to have someone stand by when she showers because she fears falling. These minimal care needs do not qualify her to live in skilled nursing care. They have long-term care insurance that covers a large portion of their expenses and it would not pay for mom to live in a level of care higher than what she needs. Even if we were able to pay out of pocket for her to live in skilled care with Dad, she would not be allowed to live in the same room because she would not be Medicare qualified for that room and both residents must qualify! If you're confused by this, you're starting to sense our frustration.
It seems like this system is based on antiquated views of the elderly from a time when most men died before entering nursing homes and most nursing home residents were widows. Now that men are living much longer and many couples are aging together and entering long-term care together, I foresee that this will be a problem for more and more people. One facility even told me they only have two rooms where couples can live together and they have a waiting list for those rooms.
We chose a facility for Mom and Dad where they had both assisted living and skilled nursing in the same building so that my parents could spend most of their days together. Mom and Dad are both blind (This is not new, though. See my last post for details on that.) so Mom needed someone to take her over to visit Dad. The facility assured us that it would be no problem for them to walk Mom over to visit Dad each day. I assumed they would only have to sleep apart and, while my parents were not happy about even that separation, it was good that they could still be together most of the day. Unfortunately, I didn't realize that yet more regulations would conspire to make this difficult.
Soon after they moved in, we found out that Dad is not allowed to visit Mom or share meals with her on the assisted living side. To be, even as a visitor, on the assisted living side, you must be able to "self-evacuate" from the building. Because Dad is both blind and in a wheelchair, he cannot do that. Because Mom is blind, she can't help him evacuate so she can't be considered his escort when he's on her side.
So, Mom started visiting Dad on his side each day. Usually, the staff from her side would take her over around 10AM and she'd stay until about 8PM when they took her back to her room. It wasn't ideal, but Mom and Dad adjusted and were pretty happy with the arrangement. Of course, it seems things are rarely easy with senior care.
The next issue we faced was the staff's complaint that Mom occasionally asked for help when she was visiting on Dad's side. Even though the skilled care and assisted living are part of the same parent company and even though they are in different halls of the same building, they are still considered to be separate facilities. They each have their own staff and Dad's staff can't/won't do anything for Mom and Mom's staff can't/won't do anything for Dad. Mom is considered a visitor when she's on Dad's side rather than a resident of the same facility. Mom and Dad denied that Mom ever asked for help for herself on Dad's side, but the staff insisted otherwise.
Then one afternoon I got a call saying that Mom had fallen in Dad's bathroom. A nurse had come to give Dad medication and she had left an open glass of water sitting on Dad's nightstand. Mom was concerned that Dad would spill the water, so she took it upon herself to take it to the sink and throw it out. Because she had a glass of water in one hand, she couldn't feel her way to the sink as well as usual and she tripped over the lip of Dad's shower. After that, they started restricting Mom's visits. They told her they needed to observe her for 72 hours, but she said their "observation" consisted of her being stuck alone in her room most of the day. After a few days, they started taking her over to visit for longer periods of time, but they still weren't letting her stay all day as she had been doing. They never called me to discuss this change.
My husband and I then asked for a joint meeting between us and the staff from both the skilled care and the assisted living sides. We had unresolved billing issues and also wanted to discuss a better plan for Mom to visit Dad. In the course of this meeting, the social worker from the skilled side insisted that Mom could no longer visit Dad without a "sitter." She said Mom could not even go to meals with Dad without a "sitter" present in case she had to be taken to the bathroom. This new requirement/restriction was a huge surprise to us and a huge blow to my parents. Caregivers are not inexpensive, so my parents now had to make a financial decision and trade-off. They are hesitant to spend a lot of money because they have a fixed income and don't want to run out of funds. Yet, now they had to determine how much money they could spend to be allowed to spend time together. For a couple who has been married almost 45 years, this was very difficult.
I was, and still am, appalled by the situation in which my parents find themselves. I am working now to find a different facility that will be more accommodating in allowing them to spend time together. I am saddened by the lack of empathy shown by the staff, especially the social worker whose job is to advocate for the well-being of the residents.
I think much of this comes down to larger problems in our long-term care system. There are really no facilities where spouses with differing care needs can continue to share a room. There are very few facilities where they can even be in the same building. There are only a few levels of long term care available:
- Independent living- this is really no care at all but usually involves living in an apartment or patio home that is near a facility where they may go for meals or socializing and activities.
- Assisted living- this involves some assistance such as medication reminders, bathing assistance, or escorts to and from the bathroom. At this level residents usually live in their own rooms or apartments in a larger facility and meals are provided in a communal dining room. The facility also provides activities for the residents.
- Personal Care- this is very similar to assisted living, but there are nurses on staff and on duty at all times. They are licensed to administer medication to residents. At this level of care, they can also handle things such as wound care, diabetic blood testing, and that sort of thing. Residents must be able to self-evacuate from a building in case of emergency at this level. They also must be able to transfer (to and from a wheelchair) with only a one person assist.
- Skilled Nursing Care- this is the highest level of care.
Also, much of the staff at many facilities, even the management-level staff, dehumanizes and infantilizes the elderly. They don't seem to respect them as human beings who have something to offer and who have a lifetime of wisdom. In the conference we had to discuss my parents' care, the social worker talked about "toileting" them on a schedule. It sounded like something you'd do with a dog you were housebreaking, not a human being. My father also recently complained that he'd called a staff member in to take him to the restroom, but he was told that they couldn't take him because it was shift change. Because of their refusal to take him to the restroom, he had an accident. No one should be treated that way.
In case you're wondering. I am in the process of finding a new facility for my parents. I would love to get them out of there immediately, but I need to find another place that has two openings. I also need to make sure that whatever new facility I choose will be better than this one. I'd hate to move them again only to run into problems and have to move them yet again. Each move is difficult and involves many adjustments- getting to know new staff and procedures as well as, for my mom, learning her way around new surroundings. I am just hoping and praying that the next facility will be a pleasant and compassionate place where my parents can enjoy living.
Monday, January 25, 2016
Teaching our Kids Responsibility
To give you a little background, I come from a bit of an unusual family. Both of my parents are totally blind and have been since before I was born. They were blind when they met and this was all I knew. Growing up, this didn't seem strange to me. They were just my parents and that's just the way it was. My parents are very capable and determined people and they never let blindness stop them.
My mother lost her sight from an eye infection when she was 14. After that, she finished high school, graduated from college, and earned a master's degree. She then moved, alone, from a small town in rural Alabama to Louisville, KY where she took a job working for the Kentucky Department of the Blind as a home teacher. She traveled (with a driver/secretary) around a region of Kentucky visiting newly blind clients and teaching them skills of independent living and Braille.
My father lost his sight when he was in his late 30's also from a freak eye infection. My mother was his teacher and when they met Dad could still see a little bit, but he became totally blind shortly after that time. Dad, no slacker himself, didn't let blindness stand in the way of his life either. Before losing his sight, he had been a Design Engineer, designing tractor trailers. That's difficult to do when you're blind, so he was re-trained as a computer programmer and he worked in that capacity for about 7 years before he decided to retire early and be a stay-at-home-dad. In his free time he finished the basement of our house, framing walls, hanging paneling, installing a drop-ceiling, all without assistance. He even wired the lights himself, only needing me to tell him the color of the wires.
As you can see, my parents were not ones to let a handicap stand in their way! They decided that they wanted to have a child and I was born when Mom was 40 and Dad was 44. That was quite old for parents in the 70s so my family was unique in a few ways. Because of their age, they did not have more children, so I'm an only child (also a bit unusual in the 70s!).
Growing up, I was never amazed by all my parents accomplished despite being blind. To me, they were pretty normal parents except that they couldn't drive. Now that I have children of my own, I am truly amazed and even a bit perplexed that they were able to raise me and I never hurt or killed myself!
I've often been asked how my parents raised me when they couldn't see. How did I not hurt myself? How did they know what I was doing or where I was? I've often wondered, now that I have children, how my parents were able to raise me without being able to see me or what I was doing. I've tried to remember what it was like so I can determine what their secret was.
One thing my parents always said when I asked them about this is, "You were just always a good child." They have told me that, even as a young child when choking hazards are a concern, if I found any object on the floor, I'd pick it up and bring it to them. I can't even get my kids to pick their socks up and put them in the laundry hamper most of the time! I've wondered if our house was just exceptionally well child-proofed, but when I asked my parents they said that wasn't the case. I remember seeing outlet covers at a friend's house once and asking what those strange things were, so I suspect my parents weren't lying. Was I really just a good kid? Was this a gift from God because he knew they couldn't handle raising a more difficult child? Perhaps, but I've come to suspect there was something else going on.
I was reading a book today, Home Grown: Adventures in Parenting off the Beaten Path, Unschooling, and Reconnecting with the Natural World. In this book, the author talks about how protective or not protective we should be of our children. He points out that, by always protecting our children, we remove responsibility from our children and actually make them less responsible. As evidence, he refers to another book, The Continuum Concept, by Jean Liedloff where she discusses her time spent with a South American aborigine tribe. She observed children in this tribe taking part in many activities that would make American adults cringe- using sharp knives, cooking over fires, using machetes, etc. Despite the children being exposed to all of these hazards, serious injuries or deaths were quite rare. Liedloff pointed out that these children were making full use of their capacity to take care of themselves while American children only partially use that ability because parents have taken over that role. She further notes that, in taking that role away from children, we have in many ways endangered them because no one else can look out for a person as well as that person can look out for themselves.
This makes perfect sense to me. Growing up, I remember feeling like I needed to keep myself safe. I always kind of knew that my parents couldn't see what I was doing, so I couldn't do anything too crazy. If I wanted to do something (jump off the swing set, for example) and I wasn't sure how safe it would be, I either avoided the activity or I asked my parents first. I knew they weren't watching me and weren't going to jump in and stop me if it was too dangerous. Despite that fact that my parents couldn't see me, I never broke a bone, never needed stitches, and never burned myself on a hot stove or fireplace. By age 6, I was walking my parents across the neighborhood street and up the sidewalk to church each week. I told them to watch the bumps in the pavement and to step up or down at the curb.
Many of my friends, on the other hand, were daredevils. They all seemed to think that I was too cautious and careful. They climbed high up in trees, rode bikes with their eyes closed, and even climbed out on second-story rooftops. Was this a childhood rite of passage I missed? Or had they just missed learning how to be responsible for their own safety?
Now, I look at my kids and I wonder how to apply this to them. I tend to be a bit overprotective and safety paranoid. This probably comes from having to be protective and careful for myself. Nevertheless, I suspect I have in some ways handicapped my children. I still feel the need to hold my daughter's hand when we're walking through parking lots (she's almost 8). Yet, tonight, when I wasn't holding her hand, she walked right out between cars into the driving lane without looking. Fortunately, no cars were coming, but it made me realize how much she depends on me to keep her safe.
I suppose we all learn to be responsible for our own safety eventually. This usually doesn't occur, however, until we are allowed some freedom and allowed to take some risks. You can't learn how to use a knife safely if you're never allowed to use one. I do wonder, though, if some adults drive drunk, take drugs, or engage in other risky behaviors at least partially because they never learned to watch out for themselves and protect their own safety.
Is it too late for me to ease up a bit on my protection of my children so they can learn to be responsible for their own safety? Is it even a good idea now that they're protective machinery is dormant from years of me and others protecting them from every possible harm? Can we, in today's society where parents are arrested for letting their kids walk home from a park, stop protecting them from everything? Are we taking more of a risk and risking more harm to them by protecting them so much?
My mother lost her sight from an eye infection when she was 14. After that, she finished high school, graduated from college, and earned a master's degree. She then moved, alone, from a small town in rural Alabama to Louisville, KY where she took a job working for the Kentucky Department of the Blind as a home teacher. She traveled (with a driver/secretary) around a region of Kentucky visiting newly blind clients and teaching them skills of independent living and Braille.
My father lost his sight when he was in his late 30's also from a freak eye infection. My mother was his teacher and when they met Dad could still see a little bit, but he became totally blind shortly after that time. Dad, no slacker himself, didn't let blindness stand in the way of his life either. Before losing his sight, he had been a Design Engineer, designing tractor trailers. That's difficult to do when you're blind, so he was re-trained as a computer programmer and he worked in that capacity for about 7 years before he decided to retire early and be a stay-at-home-dad. In his free time he finished the basement of our house, framing walls, hanging paneling, installing a drop-ceiling, all without assistance. He even wired the lights himself, only needing me to tell him the color of the wires.
As you can see, my parents were not ones to let a handicap stand in their way! They decided that they wanted to have a child and I was born when Mom was 40 and Dad was 44. That was quite old for parents in the 70s so my family was unique in a few ways. Because of their age, they did not have more children, so I'm an only child (also a bit unusual in the 70s!).
Growing up, I was never amazed by all my parents accomplished despite being blind. To me, they were pretty normal parents except that they couldn't drive. Now that I have children of my own, I am truly amazed and even a bit perplexed that they were able to raise me and I never hurt or killed myself!
I've often been asked how my parents raised me when they couldn't see. How did I not hurt myself? How did they know what I was doing or where I was? I've often wondered, now that I have children, how my parents were able to raise me without being able to see me or what I was doing. I've tried to remember what it was like so I can determine what their secret was.
One thing my parents always said when I asked them about this is, "You were just always a good child." They have told me that, even as a young child when choking hazards are a concern, if I found any object on the floor, I'd pick it up and bring it to them. I can't even get my kids to pick their socks up and put them in the laundry hamper most of the time! I've wondered if our house was just exceptionally well child-proofed, but when I asked my parents they said that wasn't the case. I remember seeing outlet covers at a friend's house once and asking what those strange things were, so I suspect my parents weren't lying. Was I really just a good kid? Was this a gift from God because he knew they couldn't handle raising a more difficult child? Perhaps, but I've come to suspect there was something else going on.
I was reading a book today, Home Grown: Adventures in Parenting off the Beaten Path, Unschooling, and Reconnecting with the Natural World. In this book, the author talks about how protective or not protective we should be of our children. He points out that, by always protecting our children, we remove responsibility from our children and actually make them less responsible. As evidence, he refers to another book, The Continuum Concept, by Jean Liedloff where she discusses her time spent with a South American aborigine tribe. She observed children in this tribe taking part in many activities that would make American adults cringe- using sharp knives, cooking over fires, using machetes, etc. Despite the children being exposed to all of these hazards, serious injuries or deaths were quite rare. Liedloff pointed out that these children were making full use of their capacity to take care of themselves while American children only partially use that ability because parents have taken over that role. She further notes that, in taking that role away from children, we have in many ways endangered them because no one else can look out for a person as well as that person can look out for themselves.
This makes perfect sense to me. Growing up, I remember feeling like I needed to keep myself safe. I always kind of knew that my parents couldn't see what I was doing, so I couldn't do anything too crazy. If I wanted to do something (jump off the swing set, for example) and I wasn't sure how safe it would be, I either avoided the activity or I asked my parents first. I knew they weren't watching me and weren't going to jump in and stop me if it was too dangerous. Despite that fact that my parents couldn't see me, I never broke a bone, never needed stitches, and never burned myself on a hot stove or fireplace. By age 6, I was walking my parents across the neighborhood street and up the sidewalk to church each week. I told them to watch the bumps in the pavement and to step up or down at the curb.
Many of my friends, on the other hand, were daredevils. They all seemed to think that I was too cautious and careful. They climbed high up in trees, rode bikes with their eyes closed, and even climbed out on second-story rooftops. Was this a childhood rite of passage I missed? Or had they just missed learning how to be responsible for their own safety?
Now, I look at my kids and I wonder how to apply this to them. I tend to be a bit overprotective and safety paranoid. This probably comes from having to be protective and careful for myself. Nevertheless, I suspect I have in some ways handicapped my children. I still feel the need to hold my daughter's hand when we're walking through parking lots (she's almost 8). Yet, tonight, when I wasn't holding her hand, she walked right out between cars into the driving lane without looking. Fortunately, no cars were coming, but it made me realize how much she depends on me to keep her safe.
I suppose we all learn to be responsible for our own safety eventually. This usually doesn't occur, however, until we are allowed some freedom and allowed to take some risks. You can't learn how to use a knife safely if you're never allowed to use one. I do wonder, though, if some adults drive drunk, take drugs, or engage in other risky behaviors at least partially because they never learned to watch out for themselves and protect their own safety.
Is it too late for me to ease up a bit on my protection of my children so they can learn to be responsible for their own safety? Is it even a good idea now that they're protective machinery is dormant from years of me and others protecting them from every possible harm? Can we, in today's society where parents are arrested for letting their kids walk home from a park, stop protecting them from everything? Are we taking more of a risk and risking more harm to them by protecting them so much?
Sunday, January 17, 2016
Losing My Childhood
Yesterday my godfather, Frank, passed away. He was 86 and had Alzheimer's so this was not unexpected. He was a good, kind, and witty man. He would have made a wonderful father, but he never had children of his own because his first wife, my godmother, had cancer and, shortly after they married, became unable to bear children. She died when I was 9 and Frank remarried several years later, but they were too old to have children at that point. He had stepchildren and he had me, his god child.
When I was very young we lived right next door to my godparents. Since they had no children, they treated me like their own child. Nearly all of the the photos of me as a baby were taken when I was in my godmother's arms. I visited them frequently and have many happy memories of time spent at their home.
I am an only child. My parents were in their 40s when I was born so they weren't able to have more children. This (having only one child and having a child in your 40s) was rather unusual back in the 70s so most people assumed my parents were my grandparents or that I was the youngest of a family of many kids. I don't know what the right number of children is in a family. I think it is a very personal decision. I do know that there are pros and cons to any number.
In many ways being an only child was good. I had my parents undivided love and attention. I didn't have to worry about sharing a room, toys, or my parent's affection. My father's sister had seven children and I think my cousins were always a little jealous of me. They thought I was lucky and probably a bit spoiled to have so many things and so much space all to myself. I, on the other hand was always a little jealous of them. They always had someone to play with and they seemed to have such a close relationship with each other.
Now that I'm older, there is another part of being an only child that is difficult. I sometimes feel as if I'm losing my childhood memories. For people with siblings, they have someone in their life who has known them for most or all of their lives. They have others with whom they can reminisce about their younger days. There are others who remember all of the crazy, silly, sad, or happy things that happened when they were young. For an only child, there are very few people like that and most of them are much older. For me, I had my cousins but, regrettably, we were not particularly close. Other than that, I had my parents, who are now in their 80s and suffering from the beginnings of dementia and I had my godparents and a few other close family friends. I realize that in the not-so-distant future there will be no one alive who shares my childhood memories. This makes me somewhat sad.
I realize this isn't really that big of a deal in many ways. This is not meant to be a pity party. But, I am sad that I won't have anyone to whom I can say, "do you remember that time when I was 4 and...?" There will be no one else who remembers the way I used to sing "She'll be Coming Round the Mountain" with my dad while waiting for my babysitter to pick me up in the morning or how my parents always sat up and talked quietly in the kitchen at night after putting me to bed. Our family history will reside only with me. I'm not the only one who has had these thoughts. Country singer, Kathy Mattea, sang a song written by her husband, apparently an only child, called "Who's Gonna Know But Me" that talks about this exact thing. This is just one of those things most never consider when thinking about the pros and cons of having just one child.
I'm aware that many, like my parents, may not make their own choice to have just one child. It may be what God (or fate or circumstances, or whatever you'd like to call it) chooses for them. Or, many do choose to have one child because that is what is right for their family. Having just one child is not all bad by any means. I would encourage you, though, especially if you have only one child, to document as much of his/her childhood as possible. Take pictures and video, keep a journal. As your child gets older, be sure to tell her stories of her childhood. Knowing our personal history can be very helpful. I believe it makes us feel more grounded and helps us to understand ourselves better.
When I was very young we lived right next door to my godparents. Since they had no children, they treated me like their own child. Nearly all of the the photos of me as a baby were taken when I was in my godmother's arms. I visited them frequently and have many happy memories of time spent at their home.
I am an only child. My parents were in their 40s when I was born so they weren't able to have more children. This (having only one child and having a child in your 40s) was rather unusual back in the 70s so most people assumed my parents were my grandparents or that I was the youngest of a family of many kids. I don't know what the right number of children is in a family. I think it is a very personal decision. I do know that there are pros and cons to any number.
In many ways being an only child was good. I had my parents undivided love and attention. I didn't have to worry about sharing a room, toys, or my parent's affection. My father's sister had seven children and I think my cousins were always a little jealous of me. They thought I was lucky and probably a bit spoiled to have so many things and so much space all to myself. I, on the other hand was always a little jealous of them. They always had someone to play with and they seemed to have such a close relationship with each other.
Now that I'm older, there is another part of being an only child that is difficult. I sometimes feel as if I'm losing my childhood memories. For people with siblings, they have someone in their life who has known them for most or all of their lives. They have others with whom they can reminisce about their younger days. There are others who remember all of the crazy, silly, sad, or happy things that happened when they were young. For an only child, there are very few people like that and most of them are much older. For me, I had my cousins but, regrettably, we were not particularly close. Other than that, I had my parents, who are now in their 80s and suffering from the beginnings of dementia and I had my godparents and a few other close family friends. I realize that in the not-so-distant future there will be no one alive who shares my childhood memories. This makes me somewhat sad.
I realize this isn't really that big of a deal in many ways. This is not meant to be a pity party. But, I am sad that I won't have anyone to whom I can say, "do you remember that time when I was 4 and...?" There will be no one else who remembers the way I used to sing "She'll be Coming Round the Mountain" with my dad while waiting for my babysitter to pick me up in the morning or how my parents always sat up and talked quietly in the kitchen at night after putting me to bed. Our family history will reside only with me. I'm not the only one who has had these thoughts. Country singer, Kathy Mattea, sang a song written by her husband, apparently an only child, called "Who's Gonna Know But Me" that talks about this exact thing. This is just one of those things most never consider when thinking about the pros and cons of having just one child.
I'm aware that many, like my parents, may not make their own choice to have just one child. It may be what God (or fate or circumstances, or whatever you'd like to call it) chooses for them. Or, many do choose to have one child because that is what is right for their family. Having just one child is not all bad by any means. I would encourage you, though, especially if you have only one child, to document as much of his/her childhood as possible. Take pictures and video, keep a journal. As your child gets older, be sure to tell her stories of her childhood. Knowing our personal history can be very helpful. I believe it makes us feel more grounded and helps us to understand ourselves better.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)